posted on Friday, Jul. 22, 2005 @ 09:20
owen, me, sarah, toby (age 4-5) and another young girl (sarah's friend) were staying at my dad's. his home was gigantic, a real mansion. owen, sarah, and i were sitting in a living room adjoined to the kitchen (like in my own home in longview, but much bigger) when dad came storming in. he had a phone bill and wanted to know about calls that were just placed moments ago. his stomach was huge and tight, like a pregnant woman, but his legs and arms were still small as usual.
he paced the rooms searching for something, evidence who had made these phone calls. sarah said she had called longview to talk to mom, but only for a few minutes. dad kept talking about a "transfer" done on his line, but sarah insisted she didn't do that. he left for a while, and when he re-entered we were in the kitchen. he came up to sarah, right in her face, and started asking her if she wanted to be whipped above or below the belt. i pushed him away from her and screamed that he was not her father, that she didn't belong to him in any way, and that he wouldn't place a finger on her.
he went into a rage talking of destroying his house and killing himself, then set a bowl of fruit sitting on the floor on fire. they didn't look like they were on fire, but there was a small flame on the insides of each piece. he threw a piece over at some drapery in the living room, and instructed us to do the same. a fire broke out in the living room. he left us to kill himself, and mom, doug, nana, and papaw showed up to pick us up. after we'd packed up, we started to drive away, but i insisted we stop. i decided to go back in for some reason or another, to get something. even though mom had said we'd gotten everything, i saw little toby standing on the front steps by himself, staring at the ground. the other girl with us was being comforted by her mother, who looked like she needed some comforting herself. when i walked in, dad, wearing a forest green work jumper, was hanging by a noose in the grand entrance. he was still alive, though, and slowly suffocating to death. his eyes would buldge, his lips moved in strange ways, and his face was turning purple. i left to get my camera so i could capture this moment, but then i got distracted by a woman outside. she's a local news reporter on fox. she went into a gated area by the network, and as i followed her down the path a shaggy dog skipped alongside me. when i entered the studio, they were preparing for a dog show. i found a psychiatrist on a loft above where they'd be shooting, and it was skoda from law and order. i sat down and said, "my father is hanging himself right now."
"how does that make you feel?"
"i don't know."
he asked about my childhood. i told him how dad ignored me for a while, then would promise to appear but never show. he laughed heartily and said, "let me guess, you turned into the typical troublesome teen as soon as you could."
"yep."
i was disturbed by how casually he was taking the situation, so i stood and left. by the time i got back, dad had all ready died and been taken to the hospital morgue. i was upset i hadn't gotten a picture, so papaw showed me pictures others had taken that were pinned to a bulliten board in the hospital. i took pictures of these for myself. a man there in the best interests of dad sat waiting in a chair, reading a magazine. mom and papaw asked who it was, and i replied in a heavy french accent, "that is philpe, from paris."
dad actually knows a philipe in paris. when i was born, he sent me a rather large stuffed monkey, whom i still have today. in his letters to dad, he always asks about me. once i wrote him a letter in french and got a christmas card replied in english.
in the dream, when he noticed me, he was very excited. there was some issue about locks on the hospital doors, how there was only one entrance. he gestured to the door behind him and asked if i wanted a lock to be installed there so i could enter from that way. i said sure, and immediately people appeared to do his bidding. it was like that episode of "family guy" when they get lois's aunt's mansion in new jersey, how all the maids and butlers are singing to them about kissing their asses. some chorus girls showed up behind me singing, all the while as philipe sat looking pleased and men worked hard on installing a lock.
and, to my knowledge, that is that.