posted on January 17, 2004 @ 1:34 pm
last night derek and the seemingly current version of me, kelly, picked me up, and we went to the funeral home. i left the house at 4:30 and came back at 8:00. it wasn't as dreadful as it sounds; i got to see ryan, chris, chas, doug, bob, basically everyone i was afraid to see. jonathan's mother gave me a hug and kiss while i was standing at his casket once again fisting my eyes. later she gave me another hug and kiss as i just stood listening to the boys talking. she said with her arm around me, "it's okay. i'm just glad we didn't know. there's nothing that could have been done, so i'm glad we got to enjoy all his time here." which just made me tear up again. the things she said at the end before the rosary (which i learned is saying approximately 9,467 hail marys) made me cry. "i held you when you were a baby. i held you when you were sick. i'll hold you in death." she was so composed all night and through her re-telling of his death, but at the end when she said that she got a little choked up. chas did, too, and derek, and it was so hard seeing them upset. when i see other people cry, i cry also.
we delt one last poker hand, five card stud, jonathan's favorite. we didn't look at his cards; half the time he'd bet and bet without even looking, and so many times he'd win like that. he didn't get any of the aces, though; me, chas, his mother and someone else got them. i also got a jack. chris got three kings, so he's telling himself he won.
the title's not flippant by the way; that was just one of the many lame songs jonathan loved. chas wanted to put it on a comp cd he made from mp3s on jonathan's computer, but he felt it would have been a little odd. his girlfriend (renee? i've forgotten) gave me a picture of jonathan, me, emily, chris, and derek at midieval times. it's a really terrible picture of me, but oh well.
this afternoon at noon i went to st. mary's for the funeral. i got there just as they were about to start the procession into the church, and derek took my hand as i walked in. i sat at the very end of a pew near the back, in my pinstripe pants, wolverine shirt, black duster, and cord tennis shoes. jonathan thought my glitter was ugly, so in one last act of passive agression i put some in my hair and around my eyes, not to mention the glitter in my pants and shirt.
everything grew quiet, and bells chimed calmly outside. the whole ceremony was interesting, being catholic and all. i stood up and sat down about six times. father dunne told everyone to, hmm, i can't remember how he put it, but basically it was to wish everyone well. immediately everyone began turning to their nearest company, hugging, shaking hands. the woman in front of me turned around, smiled, and as she leaned in to me whispered, "you just do this :takes my hand: and say, 'peace be with you.'" i gave her a huge smile of gratitude, and with a little chuckle to convey "i'm obviously not catholic," returned her sentiments.
as they began wheeling him outside, i started crying suddenly. i suppose because that was the finale, no more jonathan. as members of his family and others stood in the aisle waiting to leave, bob was positioned next to me. she gently touched my arm and smiled, and the girl sitting next to me handed me a program, for lack of a better word, for the ceremony. the upper left corner was bent in, but after i unfolded it the girl handed me another. "here, this one's not bent."
":smiling: heh, thanks."
i didn't go to the burial. i felt so awkward because i know no one knows why i've disappeared over the last year. ever since last night i've had this feeling like it's just time to move on. as i stood outside the church at the foot of the steps and looked up at the collection of people, many of whom i'd known in high school, i told them "bye" in my head and walked away. it was like a movie scene, especially since my car was way on the other side; i had so far to walk.
on my way to the car, chris clemens stopped me. i saw him walk to the front to take communion behind carrie, and i think he was actually sitting behind me. he stepped out of his mother's car and asked how i was doing. he asked, "do you remember what i said about the bushes and shrubs?"
"um..no?"
"well, it's okay, cause i do. i just wanted to say i'm sorry."
so now i'm slightly offended because apparently he insulted me the last time we interacted. ;)
i went to the goodwill by my house because i cope with all matters life presents with shopping. mom gave me $10 again (looks like the same bill from the other night), once again "in case you get something to eat." i spent $5 and some change on a pair of vacuum cleaner salesman pants and five books: the new building better english, 1961; your mommy's worth, 1973; the little drummer girl, john le carr�; such good frends, lois gould; a night of watching, elliott arnold.
ever since my grammar class with underwood, i've become interested in old grammar books; i've got a few from the 1800s. your mommy's worth is just this ridiculous book telling women how to live. i've another le carr� book that i've yet to read, but i liked the cover for this one. the gould book was written strangely, just opening to a random page. and a night of watching begins talking about death, so of course i had to get it.
enough of this, though. i'm off to enjoy the splendor of cartoon network while i have it.
<3, chels.
p.s. when i got into my car after jonathan's funeral, "live and let die" was playing on the radio. i said, to whatever cosmic force there may be, "ha ha very funny. you're so clever."
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