posted on January 16, 2004 @ 9:35 am
"house of the rising sun," the animals
this afternoon/tonight i've got to go to st. mary's for jonathan's rosary, whatever that is. funerals break me up. when i went to great aunt pearlie's funeral, i had to leave the service because i was sobbing so hard. i didn't know the woman, just saw her occasionally at mamaw mauldin's (her mother-in-law) when i was younger. at mamaw mae's funeral, i wanted to strangle the singers because they skipped a verse in "amazing grace," singing only five. at mamaw mauldin's funeral i could barely stand to look at her and stroke her cold hands after watching my papaw cry. i'd never seen papaw cry.
i think this current experience is similar to when jonathan broke up with me. i was going to tell him to go fuck himself in the same phone call, but he beat me to it. i wasn't upset because it was he specifically who didn't want me; i didn't want him, either. it was the fact i wasn't good enough for someone. which is stupid, yes, because lots of people are good enough for lots of people, but i'm off, ok?
but this, all this crying over the past several days, the nights and days spent awake suspended in a zombie-like trance, is because someone i knew has died. which means everyone else i know can die. my other funerals, they've always been at least 80. it was their time, and mamaw mauldin had been waiting ten years to go and join her husband. but this, he was just 21. after reading his obituary, thinking about him still makes me so incredibly angry i still want to physically injure him. obviously, it's a bit late for that.
i have a sense of duty in appearing, and that sounds horrible. it's just the thing to do, however; all sorts of people come out of the woodwork at funerals.
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