posted on September 15, 2003 @ 1:53 am
about an hour ago i finished tuck everlasting. it made me cry the first time i read it when i was twelve, and i cried again tonight. i haven't contemplated death in years, but when tuck was talking to winnie on the pond, it dawned on me that one day i'll be gone. i won't be locked in a vacancy bored to tears � i will cease to exist. what makes me chelsea today will be returning home, so to speak. once-was-chelsea will be fertilizing the grass eaten by the deer who birthed a fawn eaten by a wolf � i think you see my point. though my energies and matter will be infinite, they'll lack the same form. they won't have a left eye that is slightly less open than the right or lips disproportionatly large or feet a bit too small (proportionately) or her grandfather's hands or her grandmother's nose or hips that are to big, a stomach too round, or a mole by her belly button or a birthmark on the back of her left thigh and right forearm. a bump for a sixth finger.
but before i go, my grandfather who knows everything will be gone. my grandmother who can cook or clean anything will be gone. do you know what to use when you don't realize you're out of conditioner til you're in the shower? she does. do you have gentle hands still strong enough to teach an elementary school girl how to use a table saw, band saw, scroll saw, how to hammer and drill? he does.
and my mom. i can't fathom what it will be like to not call her when i learn i've given rides to a prostitute or recount my first drag show to her.
i don't want to not be able to ask doug about the latest video games, what's the penalty for "delay of game," is this mechanic lying to me? i want to always have conversation like, "who drives the viagra car again?"
"mark martin."
"oh yeah. i wouldn't want to drive the viagra car."
"why not? the tires never go flat."
":laughing: that's stupid."
":smiling: then why are you laughing?"
and sarah. gods. i found a little smock with mickey and minnie, and there was still a formula/spit-up stain on it. i found doug's coat from the delivery rom with her footprints on it. her tiny shirt that reads, "i got my first hug at schumpert medical center." papaw and i roamed the hals for hours waiting for her to come. heh, that ugly little purple baby was the most beautiful thing i'd ever seen. all the nurses in the nursery called her Barney. i see in her rom the clothes i wore, the books i read, the toys i amused myself with, all of which even she has grown out of.
when i blew out my 2-0 candles this afternoon, i felt so old. not necessarily physically, or even mentally. but there's a little piece of my spirit that has been bruised by all my thinking. all because i brood over the past. i think about the people who have hurt and betrayed me, and i wonder how they could do that. i remember all the terrible decisions i made and scold myself on a daily basis. i read to get away, but inevitably it's those very books that bring me back to this: alone in the middle of the night, scribbling nonsense, while a steady flow of tears leaves pox marks on the bed sheets.
the worst part of tuck everlasting? jesse. he all but begged winnie to drink the water when she turned 17 so he'd have someone forever who knew his deepest secrets no one ever could possibly know. his part is so small, but he's who i cry over the most.
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