posted on July 23, 2003 @ 5:19 pm
-"she's lost control," joy division
-"bullets bounce off," candyass
-"the sky is broken," moby
-"i know how hard you dream," ladytron
this is what you get when all you do is lie around and think: random memories that suck.
while in the process of losing my virginity, boy with dirt packed beneath his stubby fingernails said the most vile thing to me. the first time i heard "dirty fingernails" by modest mouse i cried. if they play that on saturday, i'll cry.
in addition to complimenting my large "tits," a word which is in my top ten of deplorable words, he makes one of his annoying little noises and says breathily that, you know, a certain area of my body he has direct contact with "feels so good." i've never told anyone that because i've never been able to say it; i can't even type it. but i still hear it playing in my head.
i got tears in my eyes, and had he not noticed i was bleeding and stopped, i know i would have started crying. up to that point, i kept staring out the window. it was a sunny day, not a cloud in the sky, and i could hear birds singing. every time a bird flew by, i felt worse. i tried communicating with them for the brief moment they were in my view, and maybe they got word to Mother i needed a little help.
i'm giving up. i've lost faith and interest in 99.9% of males. i'm not even velveta anymore. it's like someone put out a study that velveta causes cancer, so i'm left on the shelves to rot. i used to complain about being velveta, but what i'd give to be it again...
i grabbed the first eyeliner i could since i was running late, and it turned out to be blue. now my eyes are over-prominent, and my lips are still browner than usual (my dollar store lip stuff i rubbed off when i got to work). i feel exceedingly awkward.
i'm headed north one of these days. i'm going to new york to see what it's like, but if i end up on a mountain further south, i'd stay there, too.
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