posted on June 18, 2003 @ 8:54 pm
static-y jammin' 105.9
at work (note the radio station we're all too lazy and apathetic to change). wee. i'm the floater, so i'm doing nothing until 8:00 p.m., and then tim said i'd probably leave by 9:30. sweet. jennifer got me a card with this chick on it, a drawn one, who has purple hair and clodhopper boots and is sitting beneath a tree eating fast food. she's saying, "diet pills cause cancer. tanning causes cancer. [something i forgot but the punchline is unaffected] causes cancer." then on the inside it says, "obviously god wanted us all the be fat, pale and unmotivated." word.
at the end of her little paragragh, she wrote, "you won't believe who asked about you since you were out of town (guess who)." i kept asking her, and she kept smiling and saying, "guess!" after going back and forth and totally building the situation up beyond its significance, she broke. she said she went to the snow cone place in front of our heb, where we've gone three times before, and the cute mexican boy (i've gone into detail about our wedding, i converting to catholicism and everything) asked where i was. heh. i laughed so hard then, of course, recommenced marriage talk. he even remembered i get banana with cream. :dreamy sigh: hahaha. anyway.
last night i had a breakdown in front of mom, and it was embarrassing because it had been so long since i had. it was just about the usual stuff, being unattractive and hating the general population of earth, the stuff i've always sobbed to her about. at the "Longview 30" sign on i-20, half-way home from nana and papaw's (went to have supper), i felt the tears coming. i sat there and listened as mom talked about being semi-addicted to diet pills when she was my age, how at the end of the day you'd be so exhausted. you either took the sleeping pill to not only crash but burn, mom emphasized, or you took another diet one to stay up all night and avoid that feeling of crashing and burning. she said once she didn't eat for three days and was up all the time. dad said he was going to leave her if she didn't stop because she was becoming so irritable and impossible to be around. i didn't say anything as she went into detail about all these things, until the sign "Longview 25" and tears started quietly streaming down my cheeks. i waited a few more miles, letting mom talk, before i said something. i couldn't get out one word before sobbing, and she said she felt terrible for bringing that issue up and making me upset. i had to explain it's been on my mind a lot the past few weeks, and looking back i suppose it was good that i got to cry about it. i've been keeping it in for so long, just ignoring it.
so, it's about two and a half hours later. stephanie, a girl at work, was asking me these questions on a self esteem test. the best one: "i feel worthless and futile." i'm so putting that on a shirt. i just laughed and could not stop. work tonight has been really nice. i've made a headband of paperclips, and she made me a necklace and bracelets. we had to stop at the belt, before getting to the suspendors, because the current supervisor tim said that really was a bit too far. ok, i suppose it is.
i really got nothing past that.