posted on October 11, 2002 @ 5:44 pm
"enjoy the silence," depeche mode
my family's coming tonight, so tomorrow i get to hang out with them. funness. i'm so excited.
the following is an email i wrote to jonathan, explaining my thoughts over the past few days. enjoy.
i hope you're just busy with work and not busy hating me for cutting myself. when i got home last night, i did it one more time before i got into bed because i had such a headache and felt like i needed to throw up so badly; it was really driving me crazy. i pressed down hard, and just like with the worst cut on my right arm, the big scar that's still there, the skin feathered open. i was really confused whether or not i wanted to remain what i was so many years ago, or try to fight it and stay who i am. even though what i did last night was nowhere near the extent of what i did three years ago, the form was the same. everything happened in slow motion: i saw each little tendril of connecting tissue tear apart, first everything was white, then blood exploded out, and i cried so hard because it was exactly like that night. and i know i don't want to be that again. so i'm not.
tonight at work, layla came up around 7:00 with a bouquet of my favorite carnations and a little balloon with a bear that says, "you're someone special" in a bottle she wrapped in construction paper and wrote "chels is special." she brought me tylenol and a tortilla with cheese like she made for me last night. she made a little book out of construction paper with a drawing of gary, spongebob, and patrick (from the show), a picture of her, jennifer, and me, and a paw print from her cat. at the top she wrote, "qui aime chels?" ("who loves chels?"), and everyone was raising their hand. then she put another page that said since i don't know how to correctly use razor blades, she'll tell me. on the next page, she listed openning letters, peeling vegetables, cutting rope, and cutting cheese, each with an illustration. on the next page she said that if i ever want to do anything other than those listed, i should just throw the blade away. "thank-you." on the last page she wrote really huge "i love chels!" i even saw in her french book where she had practiced her drawings during class. her roommate iliana sent me my favorite color of m&ms (the turquoise ones) and a note that says i can't die until i have children because there aren't enough chelseas in the world.
i was talking to michael online, and he said that i was really lucky to have so many good friends, and that he likes the name chelsea, that it sounded like a lucky name.
i told owen what iliana said about the world not having enough chelseas, and he said, "i know what a world full of chelseas is called. utopia."
and then derek was just being a nerd talking about some 10-inch pickle he couldn't sell, but a girl could.
bryan said i needed some bryan time.
jenn's really upset that i didn't talk to her last night instead of what i did do. she said it would have been ok to wake her, that time.
and i was playing with a security monitor on the roof of the garage, and turned it to downtown. and i thought, damn that's pretty. and i drove layla and me home listening to my favorite saves the day songs, thinking about how magical it's going to be on november 4th when i get to see the anniversary, one of my very favoritest bands, for the third time. for only $8!
and then i realized, goddamn it chelsea, you're a fucking retard. how could i throw away everything i have, everyone i have by being so selfish as to protecting myself in the hardcore way? so i'm okay now. my school work is still really fucked (my french teacher sent a message with a girl i talk to to email her because she's worried; my linguistics teacher emailed and asked if there was an error because i'm still on the roll; i missed middle english for the third time today), but i think it's all still salvagable. i really love my classes, so i'm going to start going. i'm going to start going to bed early (except for tonight because jenn needed to be at the library). i'll probably get a 24-hour/week position at the garage! that means i'll make around $822/month. after the $650 in bills, i'll have $170 left over. how beautiful is that? it makes me want to happy cry (although $100 will go to the credit card, sadness). i'm very happy because if i can get this job, only working wednesdays, thursdays, and fridays, my life will be so much easier. and you know what that is? something working out for me. like in that song, "i don't know, but i've been told that good things come with time."
so i'm back to being very happy right now, i'm chelsea from last week, and i don't want you to be upset with me/worry about me. i mean, i figure you'll do both, moreso the former, because i fucked up last night, but i just really hope you didn't do 10 times as badly. i suppose it's what i deserve, though. i only smoked two cigarettes, though; i don't really feel the urge to smoke anymore. jenn needs me to edit her english paper, so i'm going to end this rambling. for some reason i'm trying to start crying, and i don't know why. i'm trying to get modest mouse buttons on e-bay, but i keep getting out-bid. :( anyway, i'll talk to you whenever. i won't call you cause i figure you're mad, so whenever you get time please call. i hope your school stuff's going well. here's a flower for all the stress i've ever caused you (and don't try and be mocho and not accept it; you know it's pretty! :) ) @-^- pyx.
p.s. � don't hate me! :) cause i don't hate you, and i'm not going to keep cutting myself.
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