posted on October 09, 2002 @ 2:37 am
computers humming
recent updates (what happened tonight):
*jonathan and i are forever broken up
*he's not coming here even though he promised
*i listened to "the day the whole world went away" and cut myself
*i bought a pack of cigarettes, smoked two
*went to layla's; bawled some more (she made me a tortilla with cheese, though, and kissed my cuts)
*i'm now at the ugl computer lab with a pounding headache
in six hours i'm supposed to tell my middle english teacher what i'm going to write my paper about, but i don't know. things sort of got in the way. i'm almost who i was before jonathan. i think i'll be okay if i just forget that part of him. i don't know that i necessarily want to hold on to him because it's him; i just want someone. he said that if i just didn't cut myself he'd tell me everything. he won't when i beg and sob for hours on end, but he will now. i said no deal. now i have a razor blade in my box of cigarettes, and my bloody washcloth has a whole giant glob all for tonight. i dub that quarter of it "the day the whole world went away." when layla kissed my cuts, i wanted to cry; it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. i'm now, however, cold and isolated like i was. i don't think i'll have sex with just anyone, though. i don't like anyone anymore except for the people i do now. i'm never going to have romantic feelings that i acknowledge for anyone unless they express them first. i'm going to drink and do drugs. and cut myself when i feel the urge.