posted on July 29, 2002 @ 12:46 am
something's wrong with jonathan, and he won't tell me what. it makes me cry and want to rip out my hair and gouge out my eyes and puncture my ear drums and at least throw a pencil at him or something. i'm just so stressed today because of another paranoia dream i had and haven't had my medicine in so long and i have to leave and i have no money and have so much to pay for next month and for the rest of my life... fuck it all i just swallowed a piece of ice whole. i can feel the cold go all the way down. now i'm cold inside. :sigh:
i think today i got my proof that i'm not fit for any sort of intimate relationship. all of my insecurities that i have now that i get to see him every day are only going to be magnified tenfold when i leave. at least now i can be here and try to make up for how lame i think i am, and apparently succeed at it. i really believe that deep down i know jonathan means everything that he says to me; he's not the type of person to lie about stuff like that, otherwise i wouldn't have even gone out with him. i know i don't need to take any more of an asshole's grief, so i'm not even going to give one a chance. i just wish, more than anything in the world, that i could completely believe and trust jonathan because, just like mom told me, it's hurting him. he kept telling me that it hurts his feelings knowing that i don't trust him. i just wish he could understand that i don't trust me to be good enough for anyone. no matter how much he or my family or jenn or bryan will tell me otherwise, i've just heard too much of the bad to listen to the good. i know that jonathan's right when he says it should only matter that he (and obviously the aforementioned) is the one who knows me, he is the one who loves me, so why do i listen to what assholes who don't know me say as opposed to what he says? i don't know. god i don't know. i'm sobbing right now because this is why i hate myself so much. this is what i'm talking about when i say that all i do is hurt the only people in the world who care about me and about whom i care. no matter what i try to tell myself or what drugs i consistantly take, i can't shake the feeling that everyone around just has to say the things they do. that's profoundly irrational; what motivation do jonathan and jenn and bryan have to say those things to me? it's not like i'm paying them to be nice to me and comfort me and love me no matter (to an extent obviously) what i do. i'd give a limb to just believe them.
tonight when i tried to get jonathan to tell me how he pissed of his dad, he said, "i don't want to talk about it. you know how i am." i don't know why that excuse can't work for me. i'm off to hate myself now.
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