posted on June 25, 2002 @ 4:28 am
hedwig and the angry inch
i rented run lola run and the above-mentioned film tonight. i love them both dearly. john cameron mitchell is so pretty in this movie; god i want to have his body. jonathan asked me why i only like "underdog" movies. the best reason i could think of (other than, "they're good") was that i know that the creators are doing it and putting all of their heart and soul into it. that's why i'm weary of listening to popular music (other than it sucks): i don't want to support some megalomaniac. trees lounge is only $9.99 at best buy. if i happen to get a job, i'll go buy it.
speaking of which, i picked up eight applications today: mail boxes etc., ihop, subway, spencer's, wal-mart, jucy's, wendy's and radio shack. i also filled one out for schlotzky's in the store. after i turn these in tomorrow, i will have applied to 15 places. if i don't get hired, i really don't know what i'm going to do. i'm really afraid it's going to be horribly irrational. tonight whilst at jon's i broke down and started crying, lying on top of him and dripping occasionally. we were in wal-mart earlier tonight, and when he was talking about how he chooses to be financially connected to his parents, and that his mother would never use the fact that it's technically hers and not his, i snapped, "fuck you." i don't understand why everyone i know seems to be supported by their parents. it just pisses me off and makes me jealous, even though it's a ridiculous situation to be grown and not supporting yourself at least partly. when i was crying he said that he just zoned out after i said that because it took him off guard. i really didn't want to say that; i just do that when i'm upset. there's no control over what comes out of my mouth. around 3:00 a.m. he told me to go home so mom wouldn't call again, and, as i fabulously do, i made him feel bad for telling me what to do. on my way home i started sobbing whilst deafening myself with tori amos, thinking of the time that ashton asked me, "could you please not stay here tonight?" i realize jonathan's just doing it because he doesn't want me to get into trouble, but he does it all the time, tells me to go home or "c'mon." it's so retarded, i realize, and i'm so ashamed to even get upset about it. i think it's just because i haven't been getting much sleep lately, and the fact that employers only hire people who don't need jobs. :sigh: i'm going to go get into bed with maggie and finish hedwig.
"absolute power corrupts. you're better off powerless."
<3, chels.
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