posted on June 27, 2002 @ 1:24 am
mtv
something's wrong, and i don't know what. i've even been taking my medicine. tonight i took a bath for the first time in forever, listening to tori. i had the red water vision i love so much, but i didn't do anything of the sort. when i got out, i put on my black chain choker, old nin shirt, borrowed mom's black flip-flops, but couldn't find black fingernail polish. i put on some black eyeliner and went to jonathan's, blasting the fragile the entire way. we, including his cousin, went to the mall, chick fil-a and books. i was very pissy, and something's wrong with jonathan which he won't tell me. i kept asking him what he did today (i called three times and no one ever answered), but all he would say is, "i dunno." raarr. when we got back to his house, we were goofing around, and i ended up falling asleep on his couch. about an hour later he woke me up, and i left. i gave him a hug, but he didn't return it.
broken, beat, forgotten, sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotten core
too fucked up to care anymore
yesterday i had an interview at schlotzky's, and if i don't get that job i'll lop my head off. as soon as i got home, jonathan and derek came by. we tortured jon's cat; that was fun. derek and i both were annoyed with jonathan for some reason, so derek and i elected derek dictator. jon always sits in the front of derek's car when we go somewhere, and the one time i called it and refused to sit in the back he got mad. i'm not really sure why. and for some reason, lately my feminist oppression has been fired up, so of course the fact i can never sit in the front is because i'm a girl. when we left blockbuster, derek said i get shotgun, but i said, "no, it's ok, i'll sit in the back. i'm a girl; i do what i'm told." when we got back we wanted to make nachos, so i drove this time and told derek he got the front seat. jon made a plate of nachos and put jalapenos on them even though neither derek nor myself wanted them, so i got a plate and made some for us. halfway through it jon said to derek, "do you want me to make you a plate of nachos?"
me: "no, i'm almost through with them already. he's eating these." then when derek wanted to watch politically incorrect, jonathan changed the channel. derek said, "fine, fuck it," and went into the living room. it was crazy. he came back in a minute and apologized, said he didn't need to see it anyway, that he knew about what they were talking about. the other night trainspotting was on, but we had to watch some piece of shit exit wounds or something, despite the fact i whined and squealed, even changed the channel when they weren't in the room. bah.
i don't like longview, and i think i realized why. i detest change because i can't handle it. i'm a very fragile person, and i need a lot of stability. i need a hug and a kiss every night, i need a job, i need a routine. here, nothing is static like at home. back home in austin i have an apartment, i have jennifer, i have a job, i go to school, i have set venues i frequent that are worth visiting. here the only thing to do is be poor and go to wal-mart. i really hope derek will be my friend when jon leaves.
i guess i'll go back to sleep now. maggie's asleep in the bean bag amongst my panties and bras. cute.
"you could slit my throat, and with my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt. it's pathetic."
<3, chels.
prev - next