posted on Friday, Apr. 08, 2011 @ 20:16
i take life too seriously. i feel the heavy burden of responsibility on my shoulders, a persistent presence telling me i need to be moral, honest, good, fit into society, accomplish things i should be accomplishing. at other times, like this moment, i feel the strong urge to destroy everyone. "put a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its own species." not a straight correlation, but it's what i thought of. [note: i was at work, hence the anger]
when i was living with chris and stephanie i had this attitude half the time that their lifestyle was amazing and what i wanted. of course the rest of the time was dominated by stuffy chelsea who shakes her fist at loud music and mind-altering substances and wasteful spending. the freer chelsea, though, loved not watching tv, losing sobriety regularly, having no plans or agendas for any day. being broke and only sending minimum payments to my debtors. granted i was still antisocial enough to loathe when their friends came over, but an evening of aforementioned substances, music, and the company of steph, chris, tom�s, and sometimes josh was so utterly enjoyable.
now as my shrink's meds are setting in, i imagine what it'd be like to see bryan again, hang out with cole, val, dana, lauren. those are really the truest friends i've had, the garage gang. their sincerity, compassion, real love for each other. why did i throw that away? why don't i want it back?
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