posted on Tuesday, Aug. 22, 2006 @ 23:36
"no sense," "metal heart," "say," "he turns down," cat power
i have become shamefully addicted to samurai champloo, an anime series.
that's jin on the left and mugen on the right. jin's glasses are just for show. he reminds me of a guy who works at the bp across the street from our apartments. if you can't tell, that's just a screenshot i took. i was really impressed with the animation at that portion of that episode (they're in a brothel buying chicks). there are 26 episodes, and i've watched 23 so far. i'm learning semi-useful japanese words like matte! (wait), tasukete! (help), and nani? (what?). i really wish i could speak japanese.
my depression is only marginally better. i'm very angsty all the time, and pts is working my last nerve. ugh, tearing up. next subject.
i think i'm going to dye my hair black. owen says it's too early in the year since it's so hot, but i don't care. i've reverted to high school chelsea, and high school chelsea dyes her hair black when she's depressed. besides, i look good with black hair. so i've been told at least. i may go do that now despite the fact i have to wake up at 4:30 a.m. it's a mild form of physical punishment, sleep deprivation. i don't want to punch any more walls until my knuckles bleed. i cannot cut myself. so i'm going to only get a few hours of sleep a night. ultimately, i don't care. my current level of apathy is really overwhelming. i am suffering from a combination of severe apathy and severe anxiety. this dichotomy leaves me exhausted regardless of my sleep level.
i've been reading through several of my old journal entries in here. i used to have a rather happening life. my life now is very boring. i go to work, i come home, watch tv, cook, more tv, shower, sleep. i'm happy i have my owenkun to sit and do nothing with, but it just seems unhealthy. but to quote myself from last year, "but what i see is always playing video games, having sex, and watching movies, and that sounds good to me."
i came across an entry wherein i described my emptiness. that feeling seems to be lurking about more often as of late. i can feel my blood pressure drop as my life force lurches to a halt. my heart makes every possible attempt, in vain*, to susatin movement, only to have its weak quivering silenced permanently with one last pathetic throb. a final jolt of electricity shoots through my dying synapses. then it's silence, a silence deeper than you're accustomed to. there's no rattle of the a/c unit, no wave of liquid rushing through your aural vessels, nor the occasional gust of wind. a vacuum is created within me as each cell drops to absolute zero. when i went to the doctor last week, my pulse was only 64.
well this digression has deflated my interest in dyeing my hair tonight. of course by now, two hours later than i started writing, i could have been finished and asleep. oh well. such is life. i suppose i'll peel these thighs of this cheap vinyl chair and hit the hay.
i want to drive. like, forever. right now i'm in the mood to just leave and never return. i want to go to the lake and sit with my car playing pretty music in the background. i want to lie in the dirt and let all the little buggies crawl on me, and when it was time for me to drive into the nothing, i could say, "hey little buggies, i need to be moving on." and they'd slowly crawl off of me, and i'd get into my car and never come back. why am i always running? "no pain remains, no feeling, eternity awaits." [12/31/02]
<3, emo chels is emo