posted on Tuesday, Jun. 27, 2006 @ 09:23
"bab's uvula who?" green day
"everlasting cocksucker (remix)," marilyn manson
"distractions," zero 7
"lonesome tonight," new order
"magdelene," apc
"hello," poe
my brain chemistry has been very irritating as of late. i'm in this strange limbo between utter hopelessness and optimism. this is much easier to handle than transitioning into mania, but the frustration is still there. i have to wonder if all this stress lately with my dentists is freaking out my brain.
i made a pretty smooth transition into what i thought was a depressive state: crying a lot; completely exhausted no matter how much i sleep; not speaking very much to most people; exhibiting some impressive apathy. now my exhaustion is a little less, and i'm only sleeping around five hours a night�in between my marathon sleep-ins when i'm depressed and my two-hour naps when i'm manic. this morning i went to bed around 2:00 i think, maybe 2:30, and i'm not particularly tired at the moment. even after the back-breaking experience of painting our bedroom (more on that when i get pictures :D). my fingers are killing me, though; it hurts to make a fist.
while owen and i lounged on our plush new bedroom carpet, waiting for the mexican guys to finish the living room, i started talking about how rotten i've felt lately. i told him about last wednesday when i felt i would cut myself if i were four years younger. once when i was talking to kim about my sordid past, she asked if i ever thought about cutting myself now. honestly it hadn't even occured to me for years. the fact that now i can identify that if i were 19 i'd be cutting myself right now scares me. it's an uncomfortable feeling.
i won't do it because i know it won't solve anything; it'll make matters worse, actually. i just can't believe my mind would revert to such primitive actions. when i went through manic phases in high school, i hated it. i tried to make them go away and brood all day long because that's what i knew. i was more comfortable being depresed because it just seemd to feel right. when i was manic, i felt so much better about things. i had a shred of hope. i still cut myself, but it wasn't as badly and usually just when i would have a panic attack. the fact i could feel good about life really scared me, and i never enjoyed those times to the fullest.
when i went through my brief no-cutting phase part of my junior and senior years, i learned to enjoy my mania. even though i was pretty heavily medicated, the full extent of my swings never went away. mania became this sweet release where i didn't have to pay attention to what was in my head. to "her."
here, educate yourself on my disorders.
Bipolar I Disorder is the most serious type of Bipolar Disorder and is characterized by one or more manic episodes (defined as a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week) or mixed episodes (where symptoms of both mania and depression occur together nearly every day for at least 1 week), and one or more major depressive episodes. When four or more episodes of illness occur within a 12-month period, a person is said to have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. Some people experience multiple episodes within a single week, or even within a single day. Rapid cycling tends to develop later in the course of illness and is more common among women than among men.
Sometimes, severe episodes of Bipolar I mania or depression include symptoms of psychosis (or psychotic symptoms). Common psychotic symptoms are hallucinations (hearing, seeing, or otherwise sensing the presence of things not actually there [*chelsea's note: like the struggles i had with "her," the evil part of my brain i felt told me to hurt myself and convinced me i was worthless]) and delusions (false, strongly held beliefs not influenced by logical reasoning or explained by a person's usual cultural concepts). Psychotic symptoms in bipolar disorder tend to reflect the extreme mood state at the time. For example, delusions of grandiosity, such as believing one is the President or has special powers or wealth, may occur during mania; delusions of guilt or worthlessness, such as believing that one is ruined and penniless or has committed some terrible crime, may appear during depression. People with bipolar disorder who have these symptoms are sometimes incorrectly diagnosed as having schizophrenia, another severe mental illness.
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The individual worries about the physical and emotional consequences of the panic attacks and experiences a significant change in their behavior because of the attacks. Approximately 1/3 of all individuals with Panic Disorder develop agoraphobia, which is anxiety about being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult or embarrassing or in which help may not be available in the event of having a panic attack or panic-like symptoms. For example, if a panic attack strikes while a person is riding in an elevator, they may develop a fear of elevators and start avoiding them. Some people's lives become so restricted that they avoid normal, everyday activities such as grocery shopping or driving and in some cases, even become housebound. Some may be able to confront a feared situation, but, only if accompanied by a spouse or a trusted person. Similarly, individuals with Panic Disorder often suffer from comorbid mood and substance abuse disorders.
During a panic attack, some or all of the following symptoms occur:
*Terror�a sense that something unimaginably horrible is about to happen and one is powerless to prevent it
*Racing or pounding heartbeat and chest pain
*Dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea
*Difficulty breathing
*Tingling or numbness in the hands
*Flushes or chills
*Sense of unreality
*Fear of losing control, going "crazy," or doing something embarrassing
*Fear of dying
i thank the gods every day my panic disorder has been at bay. the criteria is i think two attacks and a month of anxiety. i had them literally almost every day. i've said it before and i'll say it again: i'd cut off a toe if it would prevent me from ever having another anxiety attack. as it says, you can develop agoraphobia. when i was in high school, i would become physically ill when i left my home. even to this day i feel uncomfortable going into public without owen, much to his dismay when he feels like staying home. the majority of times when i cut myself was during a panic attack.
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and now, the only one that hasn't gotten any better at all. it's so fucking annoying.
Social Phobia (Social Anxiety Disorder), affects some 4% of the population and is the most common anxiety disorder and the third most common psychiatric disorder (after Major Depressive and Dysthymic disorders). Social Anxiety Disorder (the preferred name for the condition), is characterized by an intense fear of situations - usually social or performance situations - where embarrassment may occur. People with the disorder are excessively self-consciousness, and are acutely aware of the physical signs of their anxiety. They have a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by their own actions. Their fear may be so severe that it interferes with work or school and other ordinary activities. While many people with social phobia recognize that their fears of being around people may be excessive or unreasonable, they suffer them nonetheless. They often worry for days or weeks, in advance of a dreaded situation. Social Phobia (Social Anxiety Disorder) was not established as an authentic psychiatric entity until 1980 when it appeared in the the American Psychiatric Association DSM III.
The onset of Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is usually in the teens. It may follow a pattern of social hesitation or shyness, or it may suddenly develop after a humiliating or disturbing experience in public. Social anxiety is often mistaken as shyness, but the two are not the same. Shy people can be very uneasy around others, but they don't experience the extreme anxiety in anticipating a social situation, and they don't necessarily avoid circumstances that make them feel self-conscious. In contrast, people with social anxiety aren't necessarily shy at all. They can be completely at ease with people most of the time, but particular situations, such as walking down an aisle in public or making a speech, can give them intense anxiety. Social phobia disrupts normal life, interfering with career or social relationships. For example, a worker can turn down a job promotion because he can't give public presentations. The dread of a social event can begin weeks in advance, and symptoms can be quite debilitating.
i guess in the end, though, i'd rather have mental illnesses than physical ones. as much anguish as i've suffered from over the years, i'm fighting mind over matter.