posted on July 23, 2004 @ 5:13 pm
"hyper-ballad," blanket music
"you said that last night," apples in stereo
"teenage werewolf," barbarellas
"belly dancer," killingtons
i'm ashamed, but i'll admit it. my favorite pair of panties came from american eagle. they were six dollars before tax.
but you don't understand. they're wonderful. they have little neon pink and white horizontal stripes, and they come up to the perfect amount of space below my belly button. they fit wonderfully, and they don't fall with my jeans. the others do due to a combination of, i'm sure, 1) i have no ass; 2) they're cheap (no more than $1 each); 3) my belt is so heavy it just drags them when my pants start slipping. (and, yes, i know, the belt should keep them up.)
i bought them when i lived in the dorms, and layla was with me when i did. the store was about to close, but she was searching for the perfect sweater. i was torn between two sizes as she flipped through the sale rack. i'm glad i picked the right size, the smaller of the two. i can't believe american eagle has a size bigger than what i need. just in stretchy panties and shoes, though.
the other night as i was lying in bed, unable to sleep, i realized my bedroom is about the size of mine and layla's dorm room. in-sane.
it's sort of odd the complex i have with some words. the one others actually seem to know about is "tits." the guy i lost my virginity to, he complimented my "tits," and since then i couldn't handle hearing it at all. now i find myself saying it quite a bit, even in reference to my own, but i'll get unhappy if you ever refer to my breasts as "tits."
i also can't seriously use the word "sexy." i'm not sure why, most likely because it's something i feel surely will never apply to me, therefore i shouldn't even be able to use it. i still haven't figured this out, but i present to you exhibit A, a portion of my live journal from october 8th, 2001:
friday night i was at the other leyla's, and i started talking about how i'm obsessed with blood and such. this guy was like, "so blood, like, turns you on?"
:blushing, mumbling, fidgeting, even though i'd had a couple drinks: "um..well..yeah..i.."
"so if i got a nose bleed right now would that turn you on?"
"well, blood is blood. it doesn't particularly matter from where it comes. obvious exceptions made of course."
:staring silence between us, then with a smile: "that's..:chuckle:..cool."
i don't know, just talking about something that "turns me on" was awkward, even though as i mentioned i had drunk a smirnoff ice or two by then. for some reason it's just really awful to say something like that with reference to me, that and me saying people or things are "sexy." for a while i never knew when to use it, then it sort of clicked out of nowhere. i can say people are "hot" now, and of course normal modifiers like "fucking beautiful" (:giggle:). it's still so strange to say "sexy" for some reason. the other night i even had the perfect context in which to use it. jennifer asked, "so would you rather have donald sutherland or kevin spacey?"
:trotting across guadalupe on a "don't walk" light: "um..:heavy sigh: donald sutherland. i mean, kevin spacey is really hot and all, but donald sutherland is so much more.." that's when i broke off. i knew i wanted to say "sexy," and that that was the only fitting word, but it just wouldn't come out. "he's so..you know..his voice is beautiful, he's knows french, his eyes...even in space cowboys when he had that awful buzz cut, i lay in the floor with my eyes closed listening to him, completely weakened. he's just so much more..you know..than kevin spacey."
my sexual regression interests me intensely. to quote a quote i have on my desk, "i stopped feeling fabulous at eleven. i got less confident and more angsty. i think it had to do with boys not liking me."
"cunt" is an odd word to me, too. well, it's one of my favorite words to call people because it sounds fabulous to just spit out, but when in the context of my body it sounds kind of dirty. ever since stephanie coining the phrase, "louisiana: the state for muff divers," and seeing the muffler shop in longview with the sign saying, "dick's muff," it amuses me to use the word "muff" whenever possible. and it usually makes mom laugh when i refer to it as "my nethers." (yes, i talk to my mom about my pussy. i've also discussed strap-ons with doug. your parents have sex, too, you know.)
it appears to bother some people that i use "vagina" and "penis" in conversation. once stephanie yelled, "stop saying penis!" penis is a funny word, though, and i'm sure listening to monty python's "vagina" song every day in jennifer's dorm didn't help me erase it from my vocabulary.
does everyone have this sort of sentimental attachment to words? if i have a bad memory when i hear a word, i just can't use it. it seems to make sense, but it also sounds like an overly-fussy thing to worry about, something only i would take issue with.
i'm trying to think of the others i had listed in my head as i drove to work yesterday, but they're escaping me at the moment. :ponders: yeah, i'm just going to give up.
i'm going home tonight! ah! i'm going to officially name my new car optima prime. after i get to know him/her, i'll give it an unofficial name. for some reason katie and i are getting girl vibes from it. maybe i'm getting a girl! (my last two were boys.)