posted on April 06, 2004 @ 2:26 am
we have a paper skeleton on the door leading to our balcony whom she affectionately named "skelley." we bought him at halloween, upon my urging of course, and we intended to alter him according to the holiday.
during november he wore a pilgrim hat she made of paper.
when december rolled around, i taped my santa hat to his head.
for my birthday she hung pink and red streamers, intwined with one another, across the entire living room ceiling. "i know you love that color combination." once december came, again upon my urging, we purchased garland and i replaced the paper streamers with it. i found old garland we used last year in a box and hung it around the top half of the window. everything was festive. we bought each other presents.
my living room is frozen in time. the garland, the santa hat, it's all still there. only the presents aren't. the mid-night trips to wal-mart and kerbey lane are lost. the cats know things aren't the same because they've become less affectionate. or moreso. it's hard to tell at times.
everything ended in january. the year 2004 brought the loss of my very best friend to the drunk brats with whom she works, illness to my baby girl kittie, the death of socially active and elated chelsea.
as i reclined in my chair reading choke, these stale decorations mocked me. tima slept beneath the dining table, janeane in the floor. i could hear her rummaging around above me, open door, close door, close door, toilet flush, open door, open door, close door. she's tried to talk to me and has made herself available to me, but now it is i who has nothing to say. it's different. i don't know who she is. she's travelling to south padre and mexico during spring break and giving strangers blow jobs. that's not who my best friend was. my best friend was content sitting and doing nothing on the weekends just as i was/am, but now she has to go downtown and/or get drunk to the point she has no recollection of the night.
i know people change and time progresses and we all get over it. knowing this doesn't make it any easier. i can't condemn drunks or whores because i used to be both. as i was telling a co-worker, though, i stay away from it because i don't want to do it again. i still have just as little will power and conviction as ever; i'm doing damage control and not allowing myself to buy weed or know how to access cocaine or horny sleeze bags.
it's all disgusting to me now. i'm only 20, and i have the partial mentality and morality of a 35-year-old.
when i see troubled teens i feel horrified because i think, that's some mother's little baby.
are the british really as prude as they're portrayed? maybe i should ship off "across the pond" and hide amongst the innocents who don't drink bastardized "iced" tea. i'll introduce it and bring an end to that horrific hot tea. blech.
i don't know where this is coming from. i'm just utterly disgusted with 99% of humanity right now. i know there are weird people out there who are like me, at least in some little way. why can't i find them? am i really the only person who calculated that, going 20 mph in rush hour traffic, meant she was travelling at mach 2.6 x 10-2? i'm sure i am, but there are other eccentricities in people i'd love to encounter. earlier in the week as i drove home from wal-mart in the middle of the night, "alone down there" by modest mouse made me feel so terrible.
and, of course, on top of all is the fact i have no money. i'll fail to be surprised if borders won't allow me to be their new coffee wench. this is happening too easily.
i need to return home and re-immerse myself in mr. palahniuk. the cry lump is forming.
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