posted on January 12, 2004 @ 7:38 pm
"insecurities," suicide machines
"ohio," modest mouse
wow, this is truly amazing. my apathetic attitude has been temporarily relieved.
mom just called. doctor sanders, my dentist in longview, left her a message to return his call. she did as instructed, and he said he would do a root canal for free if i could pay for a crown this summer.
last night i insisted to owen, "you just gotta have faith. everything will work out. something will happen."
i told mom, "no one realizes how much faith i have on the inside."
"and your momma has too much faith for things to go wrong."
"i believe, probably too strongly, that everything happens for a reason, and everything is going to be okay. no matter how much pessimism is on the surface, i know deep down that everything will be fine. i've made it through the past 20 years; i don't think anything can get me down now."
"right, the hard part is just waiting for it to come along."
this is what it's all about. this is reason number two i can make it through every day, knowing my belief in whoever controls our karma isn't for nothing, knowing that something sees the little sufferings i experience and tries to scoot me along the path of maybe one day being pain-free. let's just hope i get a little break once the tooth is fixed; if this follows previous patterns, something else in my body will break soon. that is, disregarding the constant headaches and stomachaches, but they've been around since a couple days before 8th grade started, the same year i started cutting myself.
hmm, i never really made that connection.
i remember the moment i told mom i was hurting, though. we were on our way home from band practice at my school, judson middle school. mrs. reinch scheduled some day practices before the beginning of school, and as we veered onto tryon road from highway 259 at the giant intersection of eden, tryon and the highway i told mom i felt like i was going to puke and my head hurt.