posted on January 12, 2004 @ 7:11 pm
"do you love me now?" breeders
"where do we go from here?" filter
"birthday," blur
"i got the blues," rolling stones
"pictures of you," cure
"kinda i want to," nin
"efils' god," eels
mom called today around noon in an attempt to wake me and get me to send her my old cell phone. this morning at 4:30 i packed up the first five books in a series of unfortunate events, the ones i'd bought myself before receiving them all at xmas, to send to sarah in addition to a dream catcher she left at my apartment and a clay cross i meant to give her at xmas. it's nice, with lillies coming from it, bought from a little mexican import store. i threw in the phone, charger, two car chargers, and the bottle of neutrogena astringent that rapes my skin (mom said she wanted it forever ago). the package was ready, but this afternoon i was not. we had a conversation in an attempt to convince her i'd actually get up; i have no recollection of said conversation.
i promptly went back to sleep, only to awake at 4:15 to my supervisor asking if i was coming in to work today. when i arrived at 4:33 and the day cashier opened the door, he said in his usual cheerful tone, "hello, sleeping beauty!"
"i'm so sorry. i've been having such a terrible week, this just follows suit."
":chuckle: it's only monday!"
"well, the past seven days. heh, i'm having a bad year actually."
"what's going on?"
"well, i've had a toothache that keeps me awake�"
"have you seen a dentist?"
"i need a root canal, but can't afford it. also, my roommate is mad at me for some reason."
"that must make living conditions hard."
"yeah, and she won't even talk to me, so i don't know how to make things better. also this guy i knew in high school got a blood clot in his brain, is in a coma, and may die."
"oh!"
":smiling: then there are little things, like disregarding alarms and being late for work."
"i'd say you've got enough big things."
this guy, he's always so nice. he loves spiderman and smokes a lot. every year he dressed up in his tailored spiderman suit and goes down to 6th street. he's from lufkin, incidentally, which is about 2.5 hours from longview.
on the plus side, i'm almost finished filing my taxes. i downloaded my w-2, and after adding last spring's tuition to the mix will get back over $500. i think i'm going to send it all to capital one. or toward a root canal. i can't figure out the tooth situation. i may go ahead and get it pulled, and when i have insurance get a bridge or something to prevent the other teeth from shifting. i just don't know.
last night i was thinking of how i can't keep friends. now i can't even make friends, outside the social construct of high school. there were 2,600 kids bored out of their minds, crammed into little rooms; something's going to blossom. now, i sleep all day, sit at work for up to seven hours talking to owen, the only person i've managed to captivate for an extended period of time (i think it speaks volumes the fact he's so far away), and play the simpsons road rage all night in between watching fox's "last call for laughs" (simpsons, seinfeld, king of the hill, seinfeld, king of the hill, dharma and greg), just shoot me, drew carey, martha stewart, and ex-treme dating. i talk to my cats, change the bedding, watch fight club. call mom around 6:00 a.m. when she gets to work, leave owen a meaningless message to pass another 30-60 seconds, fall asleep to the morning news.
the interesting thing is i'm becoming used to all this. for the past ten days i've been left to my own devices for the majority of the time, what with jennifer ignoring me save for the times she wakes me to go to the sprint store, which i still haven't. i feel my silent resistence is beginning to bother her by the tone in her voice this morning. or possibly it was because she was speaking to me as i lay on my stomach, head turned away from her, on top of the covers in nothing but a pair of panties she also has. no one should be victim to that sight. once she left i glanced at the clock. just before 10 a.m. i rested my head on my cotton pillowcase decorated with comets, moons, stars, etc., focused on the feeling my cool, clean hair provided on my bare back, craning my neck so my hair extended further, and fell asleep on my fitted sheet that still smells of my great grandmother, he-man sheet, and comforter i purchased in high school from goodwill for three dollars, which mom said looked like it belonged to my other great grandmother.
i'm in high school again. i'm sleeping with the same spread, playing the same games, staring into the same empty, lonely space.
"i sleep all day and play video games all night."
"shut up. you're living the life i want."
this is my life, and it's ending one minute at a time.
<3, chels.