posted on July 03, 2003 @ 8:04 pm
-"soul sloshing,"
-"lumberjacks,"
-"beautiful spain," venus hum
-launch cast radio
i was told that if i work my voodoo right, i can be outta here by 8:30 or 9:00. watch her bounce! :bounces: this song is great. patadrina had this group in her journal, and i'm glad. their stuff's so pretty. click here! if you click continue, you can hear parts of the songs on their album big beautiful sky.
i feel like i'm on cocaine, and i didn't even take my drugs today (i did over 12 hours ago). i've watched ghost world two or three days in a row. it's become the movie i watch when i don't know what else to watch. for a while it was sliding doors, then go, now ghost world.
i'm going home when i get off. huzzah! and i get to go to the dentist on monday! and the peasants rejoice! :giggle:
jennifer's going to a strip club tonight with people from work. i'm very sad i don't get to go (no money), especially since she went to the boy cellar with them without me, too. le sigh. we went to a porn shop the first time together. i don't know. oh well.
i know there's no meaning to this entry, but i had a lot of energy and wanted to type. i'm excited about seeing my sister. silliness will abound.
oh man! here's something. mom called me this morning around 10:00 to tell me she saw a girl i knew in middle school, kassie kershner. she came up to mom's window (she usually works in the office of a grocery store) and asked, "aren't you chelsea's mom?" mom was rather taken aback, but she managed a confused, "yes..." then kassie told her who she was, and she instantly remembered. kassie was the typical problematic child, also the one who got me smoking at the tender age of 12.
she had three older brothers, two of whom were in high school when we were in middle school. the oldest, john, was 21 when i was 12. he no longer lived with them, but i remember the one night i ever saw him for more than a few seconds, when he stumbled drunkenly into the living room and plopped down onto the love seat. i was on the couch watching hbo, waiting for soft-core porn to come on because i couldn't sleep (to this day, whenever i stay the night someplace that's not my home, i feel nauseated), and his presence intrigued me. i don't remember how we started talking, but something about this man who needed to put down his final beers and shave his rough cheeks instead captivated me. he gave me a cigarette, but i waited until morning to smoke it, to brag to kassie and krystal (her other best friend who had the privilege of sharing the bed with kassie, putting me on the floor) about my mid-night encounter with john.
the movie droned on, all fighting and drama and no sex thusfar, and the light that burst from the television intermittently revealed him counting balled-up money he had wrenched from his pockets. i had learned very early that boys were easily directed, even those as old as he (like saying i wasn't able to find the zombie roach that fell on the other side of my bed), and i knew i could get him to the couch with me; the fact he was drunk would just make it more fun.
i took a twenty from him without him noticing and put it into my pocket. he thought i looked suspicious and began interrogating me, demanding i return his money. i denied having it then took it from my pocket to wave it about. immediately, he lunged at me as i returned it to my pocket, but i curled into a ball to dodge him. after insincere efforts at retrieving his money from me, we turned our attention to the movie. i can still see the scene, a warehouse, and the actress was asian. with his hands still on me, we began making bets on when she and the actor were going to have sex�10, 15 minutes?
his mind turned back to his money and�with movie-type planning�right as the sexual tension was heating up on the television, he got on top of me. he groped me below the waist trying to get to my pockets, and i smiled and emitted hushed laughter and playfully pushed him to egg him on. and of course it worked. i managed to work his hands out of my pockets, get the bill, and put both my arms behind my back. just when he lay flat on me and wrapped his arms around me, i took mine out and put them around him.
all movement at that moment ceased abruptly, and we were left there staring each other in the eye: a 12-year-old girl who has always and will continue to look for affection from the wrong people and a 21-year-old who is drunk, our lips an inch from the other's, the sounds of the man and woman on television having sex reaching our ears. i removed my arm from his back and slowly slid the twenty into one of his front pockets, never breaking my stare with him and covering more surface area than necessary. at the very moment he began to lean into my face, his mother's door creaked open. it was 4:00 a.m., the time she woke up daily. he slid off of me, and i turned on my side, with my back to the back of the couch. he put his arms back around me as he faced me, pushing himself up against me as much as possible so we would both fit. our faces were nearly touching as he positioned his nose just beneath mine and moved upward, his lips brushing my top lip and nose.
the kitchen light clicked on, giving the living room a warm haze as we pretended to be asleep. john's breathing was heavy, his chest heaving into mine, and he smelled like cigarettes. marlboro reds. his brown hair was curly and dishevled, the light spilling in causing the edges to glow blonde. after several minutes of lying forehead to forehead with him, his breathing slowed, and i knew he was asleep.
the next morning i could tell he wasn't sure what he had done the night before. he returned my constant gazes with questioning eyes. i tried to silently imply he'd been bad, and the look on his face convinced me i was succeeding. his mother said we were too cute to wake up. my mother, needless to say, was rather furious that was considered cute.
her next oldest brother was wayne. everyone loved him because he was so cute. he had a camaro, long dirty blonde hair, and he slept naked. i discovered this on my own one morning upon entering his room unannounced. "hey, babe, i'm naked."
":staring: ah. sorry."
her youngest brother was the one i liked, though, tony. he was 15, and i can still hear him the day he walked around the house singing "owner of a lonely heart" in falsetto continually. i even ate his odd concoctions of meals no matter what they were composed of. once kassie was actually annoyed because i ate his tuna fish, which contained more mayonaise (:shudder:) than tuna, some tobasco, and just a little relish. "you'd eat shit if he asked you to."
i think she realized that i was coming to her house to see her brothers as much as her. they liked me a lot, so for the two years i was friends with kassie it was like i had big brothers. they joked with me, called me pet names, and allowed me in their conversations with their friends (kassie and any other person there had to leave).
kassie always had a boy hair cut, and she really did look like a boy. i asked mom about her hair, and she said it was long and in a ponytail. i had lots of breaking-the-rules fun with her, but we just went our separate ways after eighth grade. the boy i obsessed over rode her bus. she made us sit near him once and talked to him, but i merely sat quietly petrified. she was very controlling and rude, even to her friends, so i found a way to ease my way out of that relationship. i was upset i'd never see tony and wayne again.
"we're talented and bright. we're lonely and uptight. we've found some lovely ways to disappoint. but the airport's almost empty this time of the year, so let's go play on a baggage carousel."
<3, chels.
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