posted on May 23, 2003 @ 2:38 pm
"waking up beside you," stabbing westward
"acoustic #3," goo goo dolls
this morning i went to field day. i drove around a bit so i could finish my cigarette, and for some reason i started thinking about this guy i used to swoon over for about four years (from 7th to 11th grades, when he graduated). throughout 8th grade, i wondered sometimes what high school had done to him, and my first band camp answered that. as the percussionists showed off how to march correctly, i saw him. it took me a few moments, but it suddenly dawned on me. that short, only slightly chubby boy with a light blonde chili bowl and bright blue eyes that glowed from behind glasses had transformed. and had he ever, for from the endzone of that football field, standing with one hand on a hip and the other hanging limply at my side clutching my clarinet, allowing the sweat to pour down my temples, neck, back, i stared at the most beautiful creature i'd ever ever seen. he'd grown to around 5'8" (which is tall to me, you know), had dirty blonde hair down to his shoulder blades, lost the glasses but still had that big funny nose. we both squinted as we stared into the sun, only my blinding light came more from him. he stood with his snare hooked to his shoulders, a slight slump in his back, and perfect hands. i have a strange thing with arms and hands, and all of his were perfect. you can see them in the pictures mentioned in about two minutes. after 7th grade band encounters and braiding his hair once then, i only started actually conversing with him when he was a senior because i realized that time had come, my last chance to ever be around him at all. one time when i was a freshman or sophomore, leah and i went through his backpack. i put on his flannel while he was elsewhere in the band hall and melted inside. i found a little brush, and what do you think i did? oh yes, my friend, i took some of his hairs. put them in a little bottle of mine (i've got tons), corked it, and melted different waxes on it to keep it sealed. i hid it in my window sill behind some toys, other bottles, etc., but i knew it was there and could see its cork. that day leah took pictures of him and his best friend, and i've got them. i kept random stolen things from his suv, some candy hearts he gave me, and a cigarette he gave me until i moved to austin. i actually got to go into his house once. he was taking me home but needed to pick up his drum set for practice (he was in a band which included his best friend who lived two blocks from me). and lots of other pathetic rambling that's just best left unsaid.
so, yeah, i went to sarah's field day this morning. she's in the third grade, but their teams were composed of all grades. as i'm standing there, this girl behind her comments on my cherry earrings, talking about how her sister loves cherries. this boy who's a few months older than sarah yet incredibly short said, "yeah, but don't let mike tyson see them. he might try to bite your ear off and eat 'em!" i burst into laughter and told him i'd keep that in mind. then when sarah was teasing him because he's so short yet he was teasing her for being older, she said, "well she's :points at me: older and taller."
":stands on her toes and looks down at him: yeah!"
another girl: "well you'll have to get at the end of the line because we're in order from youngest to oldest!"
when they were lining up for a race, a lady asked, "so who's fast?"
he: "i'm not fast, but i'm still skinny!"
"o...kay." later, there was a cop driving at the rear of one of their fields for some reason, and i told him, "he's coming after you, man."
"no! he's coming after people with earrings! :points to his nose:"
sarah: "it's a nosering. and she has an eyebrow ring and tongue ring."
he: "whoa! you have your tongue pierced?!"
me: :sticks her tongue way out, laughing as i hear the moms near gasp in horror: then he starts asking about it going numb and swelling, so i told him it just swelled up for a while and it was hard to eat, but i could talk. he nodded and said, "that's what my uncle said," and started telling me about that movie rat race and how the guy in there got his pierced but didn't take care of it so he got a "tongue disease." i didn't get a chance to show him how i can almost pick my nose with it before he wandered off. he was so cute. i think he's puerto rican; i overheard him telling someone's mom where his mom was born, and i think that's what he said.
yesterday afternoon i went to the dentist, and he said i need a root canal on that chipping tooth, a crown on one that's already had a root canal, and about four fillings. weeeee! it's only going to be like $400, though, so that's good. i can get that back to mom in not so long. i could've paid the $117 yesterday if i hadn't had to pay for the townhome deposit (my half being $125; jennifer still owes me hers). my dentist is pretty creepy sometimes. he gave me a hug and asked when i was taking the DAT test. i told him never, and he said, "well, you can't get into dental school without it!"
"that's ok." he's always tried to convince me to be a dentist, but i always tell him, "i'm no sadist." masochism all the way, lovely. he popped my toes and seemed very dismayed over the condition of my teeth. i saw the x-ray; the root is like one billionth of a nanometer from the surface. oh i'm glad he's doing that on tuesday. and i got :drumroll:
VALIUM!
oh bliss, lush rolling fields of mums on an overcast day, creatures frolicking, oh heaven! and i got five. mmm. i'll only have to take one. mom said she'd buy some from me, but when i told her they'd cost $20 a pill, she said nevermind. doug wanted some, too. fucking ass! i just went to put them in my purse so he wouldn't take any, and there are two missing. arrrrgh. two of my valiums that i paid two dollars each for. and of course mom says, "i'm not going to listen to you fight over two pills." leave the house! because i'm getting them back! he didn't ask! no no no he took! after i specifically told him he could not have them. oh i'm so pissed off.
tonight i'm going to see bryan sing in kilgore. man, if you think longview's a hole, go there. it's a seventh of the size of longview. :shudder:
when i woke up this morning at 8:45, i looked like death warmed over, moreso than usual. my eyes were swollen, my hair looks terrible because i let it dry on its own, and my lips were swollen a little as well and deep red, especially the top one. i look like angelina jolie on crack when i cry; it's terrible. i want to cut them off so badly. once leah's cousin said to me, "you've got great lips. i bet you give good head." i didn't even know what to say i was so disgusted. it's repulsive to think of the people i used to know and the abuse i suffered from them. yet another reason i can't be near this place, the scene of the crime. the chair i'm sitting in now, it's in the spot where a guy and i had sex once in the floor, or tried to at least: sarah walked in. she didn't know, though. we did in the hallway, too, so i could watch sarah in my bed and make sure she didn't wake. ah, good times. :rolls her eyes:
i'm going to go finish my book now. i only have about twenty-five pages to go (i read through page 175 last night; i only put it down because i thought i was going to throw up). i suppose that last entry i should have put in my spiral. :blushes: i wanted to tell mom i needed those valium for times like those, but she doesn't know i haven't been taking my medicine. yeah so anyway, bye for now.
"what's the point in ever trying? nothing's changing anyway. what's the point in all this screaming? you're not listening anyway."
<3, chelsea jaye oak-es.
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