posted on January 27, 2003 @ 4:57 pm
the last few months i've been living with this couple, yeah, you know, the kind that buy everything in doubles. they fit together like a puzzle. i love their love, and i am thankful that someone actually receives the prize that was promised by all those fairy tales that drugged us and they still do me. i'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just green envy. will my number come up eventually? like love is some kind of lottery where you can scratch and see what is underneath. it's "sorry," just one cherry, "play again." get lucky.
so i have been hanging out down by the train's depot. no, i don't ride, i just sit and watch the people there. they remind me of wind-up cars in motion the way they spin and turn and jockey for positions. and i want to scream out that it is all nonsense and that their lives are one track, and can't they see how it is all pointless?
but then my knees give under me. my head feels weak and suddenly it is clear to see that it is not them but me who has lost my self-identity as i hide behind these books i read, while scribbling my poetry like art could save a wretch like me with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve. and i am never real; it is just a sketch of me. and everything i have is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.
sometimes i park my car down by the cathedral where floodlights point up at the steeples, sloping off the ceiling at an angle. when voices blend they sound like angels. i hope there is still some room left in the middle. but when i lift my voice up now to reach them, the range is too high, way up in heaven. so i hold my tongue, forget the song, tie my shoe and start walking off. and i try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my absent god. and i have no faith, but it is all i want, to be loved and believe in my soul.
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