posted on January 06, 2003 @ 6:31 am
"in between days;" "cut here;" "exploding boy;" "a few hours after this," the cure
so i got this email about working tomorrow night, but i'm supposed to go see good in the sack. i went to their website to see if it said when they'd be playing next, but i found this note about how they're going to be giving out free music and stuff. i feel really bad not going to work because they need me, you know, but i already have plans. and they're so important! not really, but i haven't seen them since like october or something.
i caught my cats fucking tonight. tima's going crazy. as soon as i get paid, i've got to get her uterus ripped out and janeane's balls cut off. yes, janean's a boy. his balls didn't show up for three months after he was born.
once again i'll note how great robert looks in the "in between days" video. :grin:
earlier i was scratching my cut arm because it really itches while it heals. like insanely so. i mean, it's a good thing because it shows that it's healing, but you can't really claw an itch if it's going to start gushing blood. while i was clawing around them, though, i accidentally clawed right down one. tima has scratched one once, just horizontally though; i went down the length of the longest one. it's like when i sneeze: everything in my body just stops, and i'm left not breathing with my mouth agape. it hurt so badly. i could see the blood right beneath the surface and the skin i had disturbed. i put lotion on it and hoped it wouldn't bleed, and then i started feeling really terrible. a normal person shouldn't have to deal with that. i got really quiet, cat asked what was wrong, and that just made me want to cry more. when i'm asked if i'm ok or what's wrong, it always makes it worse, you know? as i was going through the order of numbers on an adding maching (one-four-seven, two-five-eight, three-six-nine) i hear acknowledgment of the situation. i said matter-of-factly, "i think i'll kill myself tonight."
"why?"
":laugh: i want to kill myself because i want to kill myself." then i started crying a little, but i sucked it up.
now, in my defense, i haven't had my whore pills�excuse me�birth control pills in a month; i kept missing my appointments. when i got pms in the past (like now), i became completely immobile. i'd lie in bed all day, only eating when i'd go so long without it i started getting sick, crying at everything and nothing at all, and being hellishly mean to everyone who came in contact with me. my suicidal tendencies always got worse then because everything became so dramatic, you know? but my new pills make it better (as i'm sure my psycho ones would as well), so i'm ok when i have pms. i get kind of mopey, but what chick doesn't, you know?
i don't know, for some reason i just came to the stunning realization that i am in fact a very fucked up person. it just really bothered me i guess because for the past month or so i've been so happy. when i used to get happy, before i started "getting better," i could never enjoy and would almost force it away because i knew it would be gone eventually anyway; the depression's coming back, so why bother getting your hopes up that this happy swing will last forever? i've managed so far to not do that. i actually like being happy this time, i guess because it's the first time it's happened while i've been in austin. it's just so much better here than longview. i don't do anything, but it's still better.
like all the people who talk to me for no reason when i go places, the girl at the megaplex who upon seeing my pentacle necklace said "blessed be" rather than "you're going to hell," sitting in front of the blinking red towers in the middle of the night amongst the yuppies' houses. i loved being able to walk around last year when i lived in the dorms. i'd always go to 7-eleven late at night and listen to the band playing at the hole in the wall. once i was so sad, and so was the song, so i sat down on dean keeton and listened. or when i didn't feel like going anywhere, i could sit on the benches in front and smoke and watch the boys riding their bikes down the steps and around the communications building, or walk to the end of the street and get a few needles poked into my face. just little stuff i couldn't do back in longview. just being here keeps me from being so depressed all the time.
jesus, why are my entries so long as of late? i need to get to bed i suppose. actually, i'm going to start wuthering heights, read the first two or three pages, and pass out on top of it. oh wait, no, i can't fuck it up. i'll just put in metropolis; i was wanting to see that the other day.
it really does amuse me, how so full of shit i can be at times.
"just one voice screaming, just one in a million. who's gonna hear it? who's gonna know it? who even cares? it's hopeless."
<3, pyx
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