posted on December 01, 2002 @ 1:08 am
"the exploding boy," the cure
despite what all logic was telling me, i went up to see jonathan at work on friday. he said he was sorry for not talking to me, and i shrugged. he held open his arms for a hug, i complied, but then my eyes teared up and i got a cry lump in my throat. i started bullshitting about something, the traffic i think. bullshitting ensued for a while. he said, "it's nice to see you; i miss you a lot."
":pause: do you realize where i got these pants?"
jennifer said i should have said, "well, good," � la brandon lloyd. jonathan said they were decorating their xmas tree that night, and wondered if i was going to come. i said probably not (translated: no). he asked if he'd see me saturday, and i replied i dunno (translated: no). his manager emerged from somewhere, and he abruptly interrupted my story of the guy at the theatre. so i left.
i was mildly traumatized, so i went to claire's and spent $17. they had a sale, buy two pairs of earrings and get a third free, so i did that. i bought a necklace for $6.25, but it looks terrible on me; i gave it to sarah. when i told mom what had happened, she asked why i even went up there.
:sigh: crying. goddamn it why does it burn so much when i cry? i can't cry anymore because it hurts too much. shit.
anyway, i got some pictures developed at target and bought a pair of purple cords from wal-mart. and brown slacks from goodwill, like the ones i have but a shade darker. my wal-mart pants are the most comfortable ever. i went to see derek, we drove around some, then i took him home so he could help jonathan's mom pick out a tree. he wanted me to go, too, but i didn't want to.
i drove by trent's house twice, but he was never there. he was at 3:40 this morning when i went driving, so i left a note on a whataburger napkin on his car, said he could call if he wanted. to my knowledge, he didn't.
my family was wonderful, however. it was sort of sad leaving them tonight. i'm going to find something to occupy my time now.
"tell yourself it couldn't happen, not this way, not today."
<3, chels.
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