posted on November 29, 2002 @ 5:55 am
"my sweet prince," placebo (yes, still)
ok, well, for the past hour i've been reading my old live journal, and i think i'm ok. i mean, obviously it's depressing to think all that with jonathan is gone, that i can't even talk to him anymore, but now it's more like reading a book. just a moment ago i had the thought, "that's sweet," as if i were watching a movie. might i actually be recovering? i'm a month ahead of schedule.
i found a conversation i had put in there between byran and me. i was sitting on my bed, he had his head in my lap, and looking up at me he said, "i love you."
"i love you, too."
"you have marvelous eyes."
"i know."
i'm sorry i hurt your feelings, bryan-with-a-y. i'm too wussy for a confrontation (even a positive one), so i'll write in here that i'm sorry and still love you crazily. i saw you monday walking past the tower with laura and some other chick, but i didn't want to bother you. you know what i put on my wall a few weeks ago, right by my pillow? that piece of paper on which you drew a star and wrote zero, underneath which you wrote, "i'm chelsea oakes! zero/zero/zero! haha!" from the eighth grade, remember? i vividly remember you scribbling that down, putting it up to your shirt, and saying that. i still laugh so hard when i see it. this is going to be a big waste if he doesn't read this.
oh yeah, and i say coy haun at the gas station. i told mom, "hey, that's coy!"
"look at him; he keeps staring at you."
":scoffs: no! i can't do that!"
then when he drove off, i looked at him and he waved. there was a guy i didn't know with him, and i seriously wonder what coy told him when he asked, "who is that?"
"oh, just some crazy chick who was obsesssed with alan in high school."
and for the record, i was not obsessed. i was just . . . very grateful for his presence. :blushes:
"a drunk person can handle seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth, but no one should have to go through this trip."
<3, chels.
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