posted on October 30, 2002 @ 6:12 am
i just got back from driving around for four hours. i listened to the counting crows and bright eyes, but then my stereo knew i needed to hear the radio and spit it out. i got to hear "taste of ink," at 4 o'clock in the fucking morning no less. ;) oehoihgre. that's all i could come up to say for how much i needed to hear it that loud. and both my dashboard cds. and god almighty if i didn't find the base of my towers. the red lights that totally entrance me, that i've been wanting to find for the past year, i found them. i drove around one little mountain for a few hours until i realized they were on the other side. and i found them. i had to go through fog so thick i could only see what my headlights lit, cross over this bridge that literally nearly gave me panic attacks, drive waaay back into town just to get gas, but i did it. they were so there. hopefully i can find a way to walk around the fence around them and actually touch them. i want to give them a big hug, the hugest i can possibly muster. i sat on the side of the road just staring at them for a few minutes, listening to dashboard. then i kept driving, and it was the best feeling ever. in total, i saw nine live deer. i saw one dead on a sidewalk, so i turned my car around. i went over to it, and the eye socket i could see was empty. all his legs were broken or bloody, and he had that sort of fresh death smell; his fur was still wet. i picked a flower (apologizing, explaining it was for the deer), told the deer i was really sorry and hoped he felt better now, etc., and just as i started crying i left. i put the little red flower on his neck. there were a few bugs crawling nearby. but when i got home and checked the mail, i found a letter from trento with the pages' margins colored and powerpuff girl stickers all over. so i'm re-elevated.
by the way, i sponged yellow stars on my purple way. yay.
"is it worth it, can you even hear me standing with your spotlight on me? not enough to feed the hungry. i'm tired and i've felt it for a while now. in this sea of lonely the taste of ink is getting old. it's 4 o'clock in the fucking morning; each day gets more random like the last day. still i can see it coming, walk steady in the river drowning. this could be my chance to break out. this could be my chance to say goodbye. at last it's finally over. couldn't take this day much longer. perhaps it wasn't what i planned to be. now i'm ready to be free. so here i am, it's in my hands, and i'll savour every moment of this. so here i am, alive at last, and i'll savour every moment of this. won't you think i'm pretty when i'm standing top the bright lit city, and i'll take your hand and pick you up and keep you there so you can see it. so long as you're alive and care, i promise i will take you there. we'll drink and dance the night away."
<3, chelsea.
prev - next