posted on July 16, 2002 @ 1:43 am
nbc
i want to leave this city and take jonathan with me. or at least sniper some people with him.
i've been sobbing for the past hour. the main factor is pms, but i just realized that this morning i told owen i was doing well. that's obviously the cause. jonathan, bob, and i brought in three kittens outside of his house, and while i was showing the two i claim and plan to bring back to austin (tima and missa frodo) how to drink milk out of a bowl, carrie came over. it was abrupt, and i just ignored her. she brought over some of jonathan's stuff, and he gave her her unicorn ornament back (before he had the chance to destroy it, thankfully). afterward, even though i'm not supposed to drive the van anywhere other than to and from his house, we went to books and hastings because he didn't want to be home. he started planning all these places in public where he could set up and snipe people and kept going on about wanting to break something or hit someone in the face with the butt of a pistol or snap someone's neck. i hope i don't have that effect on anyone. =/ after she left and he came back and lay down on his bed with tima and me, i went to the bathroom and cried. it was just like the dream i had while i was staying at his house over easter: everything's fine between us, and then absolutely suddenly and after so long since seeing him, carrie shows up and says she still loves him and he gladly goes back to her. :sigh: have i mentioned i have an anxiety disorder? and hate myself, holding everyone else on the planet above me...
then, of course, chelsea goes psychotic and starts crying when jonathan tells her to go home. it was 11:30 p.m., and with my newly enstated curfew (:vomits:), i needed to leave in about 10 minutes. i said it'd be okay, but he went into his stern father voice talking about how he just doesn't want me to get into trouble, not be able to see him, blah blah. pms-ing and being a fucking idiot, i started crying about how people only worry about me, particularly when they shouldn't, which in turn makes me feel so incapable of doing anything or taking care of myself. like when mom kept bitching about getting the apartment? i tried to tell her it'd be ok, and what'd i get in the mail the next week? yes, papers to sign for my apartment. when i tell someone something, damn it, i want them to believe me. i'm really weak when it comes to trust, like, it's a big deal with me. i don't know, whatever. so i sucked it up enough to go home (after being told three more times despite my squeaky cries and inability to breathe), but as soon as i got into the van i started wailing. i sat there with my face buried in the wheel for about a minute, then left, sobbing all the way home. i tried to sing along with "a plain morning," but i started crying harder. god i love chris. his songs are too perfect.
when i got home, mom had just taken maggie out. she came into the bathroom where i was just staring into the mirror and asked what's wrong (my eyes were/still are so bloodshot). choking back a sob, i whispered, "it's just pms." she had a sympathetic look like, "oh, poor baby," then gave me a hug. as she did so, i whispered, "i hate being a girl," and broke the moment i said "girl." we just stood there, she giving comforting words, me bawling. she went to bed, and i went for food. i sneezed nine times in a row, and the fifth time snot actually came out my nose. x_X that's never happened before. at least it stuck right there on my nostril so i could wipe it. too much information? sorry. ;( :sneeze: and that's the second time i've sneezed since i started writing this. granted it's been like half an hour, but nonetheless, that's a lot.
oh, to back-track (don't feel like adding this at the top), i felt like slitting my throat for being a bitch tonight. jonathan (clearly) was neither expecting carrie nor desiring to see her, and then i bust out being mean to him. :( the worst part is i didn't even think about that; i just started giving him a hard time. anyway, he'd been really afraid of going back to cold, heartless jon pre-carrie after she broke up with him. not only am i afraid of going back to what i was if i lose him, i know it will happen. i don't want to do that. he's always told me he'd never leave me for someone else, but... :sigh: have i mentioned i have an anxiety disorder? and hate myself, holding everyone else on the planet above me...
"so long sweet summer, i stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays. so long sweet slumber, i fell into you now you're gracefully falling away."
<3, pyx.
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