posted on July 03, 2002 @ 4:58 am
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jennifer! came! over! lol, needless to say i was excited to see her. i stayed at nana and papaw's yesterday and today, and consequently (after rading papaw's closet and some stuff sent over by aunt gert) came home with eight shirts, two pairs of pants, three purses, and two coats. score. i'm wearing my favorite papaw shirt right now (red, grey, pink plaid snap-up), and when jonathan put his cap on me, i looked like a trucker. jennifer and i talked for two hours, then she had to go back home. she said she's going to have a slumber party friday or saturday, and we can all paint our nails and watch bridget jones's diary. :giggle:
right before she got here, leah called. i don't know why i didn't act like i was my mom. she said she wanted me to go to a rave with her friday, that she'd pay for me. i promised jonathan that i'd never do drugs again, and anyhow i don't want to. i really don't know how to get out of this. jonathan told me to just tell her no, but i feel so mean doing that. i don't even want to hang out with her. it doesn't help that she told me that she missed and loved me. :sigh:
when jenn left at 10:00 p.m., i went to jonathan's because (1) derek was there, and i wanted to see him and (2) as really lame and pathetic as it sounds, i missed jonathan. i'm used to seeing him everyday, and not seeing him yesterday threw me off. i was going to call him last night because nana has a calling card she used to call me, but that just made me feel like an obsessed groupie since i didn't have my title of "girlfriend" anymore; i felt like cameron diaz in vanilla sky.
anyway, after derek left at 1:00 a.m., jonathan lay down on the couch with his head in my lap. we were watching the he-man movie on tv, i was trying to at least, but he kept just looking at me and burrying his face in my chest and petting my head and telling me he missed me a lot. he took his dad's security cap and put it on me. he started laughing, saying i look like a trucker, so i went to the mirror near the front door to see. he followed me and gave me a hug, and he ended up backed up against the wall so he was about as tall as me. and we stood there hugging, for...ever, and it was making me really uncomfortable. he asked since he wasn't my boyfriend anymore could he do that, but i told him i wanted him to. he'd pull away just enough to look at me, and i had to move my face to where our cheeks were touching; i couldn't handle standing there with our mouths a nanometer away from the other. he started apologizing for being messed up at present, saying he was sorry that it was taking so long but that he didn't know how long it would be before he came back. i got tears in my eyes, and he jokingly let go of me and said he shouldn't be doing that since we're just "friends;" i said no. he went and lay on the couch, and i followed. i started crying, though, and it was a long time before i could get out that it was hard being around him without my former title. he asked if i wanted him to go away for a while, but i had to explain that it's hard being around him but even harder when he's not there. i even talked about all this random sad shit from my childhood concerning my family to try and let him know i understand how it is to have to stand back and watch your mother be hurt. he asked me if i'd go back out with him, i said yes, he gave me a kiss, and i kept crying. i just couldn't stop. i cried for a long time after he said that because i felt guilty for making such a big deal about it. i told him i didn't want him to do that if he didn't want to, but he said he did. i was afraid he did it out of pity, but he said it was because he loves me and doesn't want to watch me hurt. he said he was sorry for hurting me, i just shrugged, but he kissed me and said it wasn't okay. i said it's just cause i'm a baby, but he said he loves me for that; it shows i have a heart. i just think it shows i'm lame.
so that's the drama for today. while his house gets de-mold-ified, he and his family are going to rent this doctor's house by posado's a mere five minutes from me as opposed to 20. yay. :) tomorrow we're going to buy warcraft III then see the powerpuff girls movie with bob and sarah, then eat lunch (he's paying, woo), then see men in black II (i couldn't decide between the two, so we're seeing both). he mentioned that in 15 days we'll have been going out for four months (he said the past few days didn't count as a break-up, just a vacation as i put it), and i thought that was nice, that he knows. i'll close with another conversation between the two of us, he starting. i'm sure if anyone does read this, they don't care, but afterall isn't this my diary? so ;P to you! hehe.
"are my ears red?"
"yeah, why?"
"whenever i'm excited or embarrassed they turn red."
"yeah, i know. why are they red now?"
"cause i'm excited. i've been excited since you got here; i wasn't expecting to see you tonight."
<3, his pyxie.
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