posted on May 30, 2002 @ 11:05 pm
jay leno
"seein' red," unwritten law
"warning," incubus
this correlates wonderfully with my entry for being a type 2. in actuality i'm earth, and another quiz like this got that. as she always does, tryna (isn't that right? hehe) hit the proverbial nail on the head. it seemed as if things were going to temporarily perk up: i was going to get my car by tomorrow. today, however, we discover we need proof that it's paid off, and that's going to take 10 days to receive in the mail. this now means that all next week i'm going to have to vacation with the family in arkan-sas. not that i wouldn't love it, obviously, but i had just planned on spending that week working and seeing jonathan, not in a cabin, poor, and nine hours from jonathan. it's very frustrating. i started crying while scrambling eggs because jonathan called, and i had to calmly say, fighting back tears, "everything's wrong." he kept asking what, and eventually my response got down to a half whisper; i had to hang up so i could cry. i wrote jenn a letter and colored two pictures of spider-man to send with it. my head's killing me.
mom took me to jonathan's at 6:30, but all i did was lie on his bed and barely speak while we did the same as the other day, watch derek play his war game. derek brought me home when he left, around 10:30, and i probably freaked him out on the way. i asked him if he ever thought about the way he would kill himself if he were to do it, but he's not one to think of such things. he's so easy-going and the like; that's just not him. he asked why i thought about killing myself more than killing others and turned down sevendust all the way because apparently my voice became rather faint. i just explained that things never work out, and when they do it's when i don't need them to. how i always just hurt people or bother or anger them to the point where they don't want to know me anymore. he said he'd never known that to happen, but i promised him it did. i don't know why, but i really wanted to open up to him. i guess some of it is jon trusts him more than anyone, and one can never have too many confidantes. also partly the reason was i felt sort of lame just going to jonathan's to lie on his bed. it just felt better to be half asleep touching him than half asleep alone.
Reine des Pixies: sorry for talking about suicide; i've just been unstable lately.
Reine des Pixies: that was probably relatively creepy.
Fretjunkey: a bit a bit
Reine des Pixies: (:
Fretjunkey: but you dont really mean it
Fretjunkey: u dont have the guts to kill yourself lol
mom, inspecting my favorite bra: "what brand is it? 'secret treasures.' heh, well your treasures aren't that secret.*"
<3, chelsea.