posted on May 25, 2002 @ 3:04 am
"so impossible," dashboard confessional
i don't even know what to think anymore. about me, about jonathan, about anything. i'm so tired of everything involved with being me. it's ridiculous. who the fuck has their happiness destroyed by a motherfucking FUNGUS?! huh?! i wish you could hear my voice because it's so sad. i'm crying so hard, and if i tried to talk i probably wouldn't be able to, and i'm pleading with you. any of you. that's where i am right now. i don't even fucking know why i try. i don't know why i get up in the morning, why i get out of bed. i don't know why i buy cds or read books or get geeky glasses or write in this journal. i don't know why i play video games and sim tower and solitaire. why do i get excited over editing jon's story? why do i spend hundreds of dollars on piercings? why am i going to spend hundreds more on tattoos? why do i do anything for anyone else? why do i do things for myself? it's certainly not worth the effort. please, if you love me, you'll end this; i'd feel too guilty to do it myself. i really appreciate how Mother made the weather unusually cold after i cut myself, but now it's warming up; the scars are fading, mixing with the old ones, and i can't do it again. please. someone. stop this.
(Edhttk01) on my buddy list. how metaphorical. he said tomorrow we have to talk about what's going to happen to "us" when he leaves; just his mentioning of it made me cry.
anti-<3, pyx.