posted on May 03, 2002 @ 11:58 am
"ordinary world," duran duran
"novacaine for the soul," the eels
i suppose i should write about this. i really want to go to sleep, but i'll wait just a few more minutes. la. ok. when people won't talk to me about a problem that they're having, it hurts me. so much. that's how i stay alive now: i bury myself in others' problems, try to fix them, and in the process ignore my own. it's a win/win situation, you know? like the other night when jenn called crying, and after a few minutes she was fine for then. i'm not saying i fix the problem permanently; i just take their mind off of it. it's hard, though, when i don't know which sort of approach i need to take. i could tell them something similar in theory that's happened to me or someone i know, i can make a joke of it, i can just change the subject. i can do so many things to just make them laugh, but if they won't tell me it's hard. i fell inadequate, like i'm not good enough to divulge information to and trust. this all goes back to that entry, "do people know how affectionate i'm capable of being?" i just want everyone to know that i care. i'm going to make a shirt that says, "i care." like in the care bears movie, you know? and i just feel like dying inside if someone won't talk to me.
now take above mentioned emotion, multiply it by nine, and you've got how jonathan makes me feel when he won't talk to me about his family. i know that he's gotten a lot better about opening up to anyone; like he said, at least he tells me what's making him feel bad. but...i don't know. last night, from 4:00 til 5:00 a.m., i was crying. at least he was connected over aim and was talking through his computer; i don't know if i could have taken the extra distance of words on a screen telling me he won't talk to me. i just hate that it made me so upset because i'm the same way about him loving me. it's so hard for me to accept, and i can imagine if he was telling me he was incredulous i'd just wither. and it's both because of the people in our past, for him his family and for me, well, you know. whenever he says bye, he says, "[farewell message] my pyxie," and this morning he just said "bye pyx" and didn't wait for me to say anything. =/ i finished reading the two chapters of his story that he sent me and focused on fixing it, to keep my mind off of it all. i need to get some ink and print it out so i'll have something to do.
anyway, so i slept from 7:00 to 9:30 a.m., studied for about an hour, then went and took a test. understandably, i'm very tired.
"and as i try to make my way through the ordinary world, i will learn to survive."
<3, chels.
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