posted on 2002-04-02 @ 12:48 a.m.
my title's a marilyn manson song. i hate that my entries don't show the title. the other thing i don't like about diaryland is that it only shows one entry at a time. at least on lj, when it happens to work, you can see everything i've written. do others click "previous" til they see the last one they read? i do. if you didn't read about what happened this weekend, click "previous" and do so.
last night jennifer, carmen, john (boo), david, and i went to mr. gatti's around 10:00. on my way to their dorm, i got the mail. the box was full of stuff for me, including a pink package slip. it was from my nana, my easter box: a stuffed pink bunny that dances and sings, "you know you make me want to hop," a small stuffed green bunny that my nana and i are in love with, two ziplock bags of candy, a hollow chocolate easter bunny, a box of four cadbury cream eggs, a card with $25 in it, and a snow globe shaped like an egg with a bunny in it. it made me really happy. i also got a card from my parents�excuse me, "the easter bunny" (that's what the envelope said)�wherein my sister drew a guy on a cross and wrote, "on easter jesus rose from the dead." i thought that was really cute. i really despise all aspects of christianity, but i don't want her growing up not believing in anything. that's what happened to me after i went to church for a couple of years, when i became disillusioned with it all and didn't bother to find something else until after i attempted suicide. once or twice i set candles up and really concentrated and read they hymn to satan just for the hell of it. of course nothing happened; i don't even believe in a supreme evil being, much less the christian version, i just thought i'd do it so i could say that i did and freak people out. i love playing with people.
anyway, on the way home from gatti's jennifer said we should go to the metro since it'd been so long. i was really excited because i needed to stay up and study. plus i love the metro. you walk in, and there's this haze of coffee and cigarette smoke. i was reading my old journal entries in lj, and in one i was talking about how i had just gotten home from the metro, and all of me and my stuff smelled like smoke, and i felt so comfortable and safe because it was what i knew and loved. we got to my dorm at 11:30 p.m., but there was still all this stuff on my bed from when i had cleaned earlier. she got on my computer and played bejeweled (she's addicted; ever see that penny arcade? "son, you need to get on this Second Coming thing. and yea, i thought i asked you to mow the heavens."
"but dad! i'm bejeweling!" hahaha). i cleaned and blared the white stripes, bright eyes, dashboard, and the anniversary. jenn said loud girl must really hate when i come home, especially since i only blare my music late at night. well she should, stupid ho. ;P earlier she was in the hall on the phone yelling, so i opened the top of my door and turned up the white stripes super loud. we left for the metro at 1:00 a.m. and stayed til 3:00 a.m. she wanted to read me her porn (cheesy romance novels), and i was going to study while she did so, but we just ended up talking. i talked a lot about jonathan and thought i was going to start crying. i told her how we so could have had sex but didn't, and she really liked that. then we started talking about sex, which is why i wanted to write in here.
when i think of sex, i think of something completely barbaric and sans emotion. that's why i didn't want to with jonathan because i don't want to do something like that with someone i care about. i mean...i do, but not yet because i haven't adjusted my thoughts and preconceived notions of sex yet. it's just that when i think of that, i get hurt, and i feel dirty and just don't want to think about it at all. why would i want those emotions associated with someone i think i love? at new year's i promised i wouldn't be such a whore anymore (supertramp as kate would put it). i really meant it that time, though, because i hate that now i'm in a position to gain some meaning from it, and i can't. i can't gain meaning out of anything because i have no concept of love. the way i always put it was, if i cry at your funeral then i loved you. last year i really thought i loved trent, not like that you know, but i knew i loved him as a friend. so i told myself, "this is what it's like. remember this feeling." when i saw him at jonathan's, it all came back; now i have this renewed definition of it. i compared that feeling to jonathan, and it felt the same way, only i want to give jonathan hugs and kisses, too. so there's an adjusted view of it.
insert random memory here: jonathan: "i've always loved you, and you know that. now i just love you in a little different way. ok, a lot different." that made me laugh. this is incredible. starving, insatiable, yes, this is love for the first time. you'd like to think that you were invincible.
i also hate diaryland doesn't have spell check. anyway, so over the past few months i've been talking about how i'm not going to have sex with anyone about whom i do not care. when jenn told me last semester, "the next person you have sex with will love you," when all that ashton stuff was going on, it really got to me. i cried, and i kept telling myself that. for months. and it started to sink in. now i have this deep conviction of not letting someone else hurt me again. when jonathan tried to say i had just made mistakes or whatever and that he was mad at the guys in my past, i tried to tell him that it was my fault, that i put myself in those positions. he said they shouldn't have taken advantage of me, though. i don't know, i just hate that this is so confusing and so complicated.
after that speech, jennifer just looked at me and said, "god i am so pissed at those boys for hurting you. who do they think they are?" that made me feel so wonderful. she sympathizes, says she understands how i'm feeling and that it's ok, and that really helps. i just hope i don't hurt jon in the process of fixing myself.
earlier i discovered that i have another weekend off, the weekend of april 26th, and told him that if he wants i'll come see him again, but that derek can't come. he said it was hard to stop him, but i said that i will because when he's there he plays with him and not me. i told him i was just his play thing after midnight, jokingly like i do everything else. i make a joke of something serious so it doesn't seem like i'm complaining about something that bothers me, when in reality i'm getting it out there for them to think about it. mind games. what fun. that's the weekend of his mom's birthday, though, and they're going to medieval times saturday. i said i couldn't go because i can't afford it, but he said he would pay for me.
*Reine des Pixies: but i don't want to be paid for
*Edhttk01: but i would like you to go.
*Edhttk01: just consider it a big date to make up for all the dates we are missing cause of the distance
*Reine des Pixies: but you don't have to take me on dates
*Reine des Pixies: or compensate
*Edhttk01: lol I know i don't but if you have the chance to come in town don't you think i would like you with me?
*Edhttk01: so I am not just doing this for you. I am also doing this for myself
i told him i'd come only if i got him friday, and he said it was a deal. i'm serious, too; if someone comes, i will leave. fuck that, this weekend i spent ten hours in a car, missed three classes, and didn't study at all for three tests to go see him, and i only get him after midnight? no. i told him i'm emotionally high maintenance, but i don't think that counts, wanting to be with him alone. it's not like he doesn't see those people all the time anyway. oh what bitching. midieval times is like $60, though. i don't want him to spend that on me. i
hate
hate
hate
when people spend money on me, and i know he's going to. i have to condition him out of that.this has gone beyond the purpose of this entry, though. the point is this: i'm extremely fucked emotionally, and i need to work on that, and i must have it fixed by the summer. by may 15th. that's when i go home. at least i'll have him 7.8 miles away then, not 269.5. bah, times like these i hate being used to being alone. times like these i'd just prefer give up and go back to being miserable. :stares off: anyway, i need to study bio. i'm changing my major next semester to english most likely. i'm semi-fixed on being an editor.
"like sharpened knives through chicken mcnuggets,"
<3, chelsea.
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