posted on 2002-04-01 @ 10:55 p.m.
lalala there's so much crap to write, and i have about ten minutes (i have to go to the late-night cafeteria precisely when it opens; i fell asleep at noon and didn't wake up til 8:00 p.m., so all i've eaten today is chocolate). thursday was so crazy because all day i'm like, "four hours til i leave. three hours til i leave. two hours til i leave. half an hour til i leave. oh god i have to go meet bryan!" we left at noon-thirty, and of course the whole way home it's like, "four and a half hours til i get home. two hours til i get home. amazing, we're in tyler." we stopped at holly's first so bryan could pick her up, and the entire time i'm sitting in the car (for like 20 minutes) i'm screaming in my head, "christ god i have to GO!" hehe. i got to jonathan's between 5:30 and 6:00, but derek was there. i was so tired (hadn't gone to bed yet because i slept all day wednesday like i did today), so i just lay on jonathan's bed and watched them play the sims. he came and lay next to me and on me, so that was okay. i ended up falling asleep, though, and didn't wake up until jon's mom brought me a bourbon burger. i'd never had one, and everyone loves them so i got up for it. it was okay, not as good as the hype around them make it out to be. ahh bryan calls and puts me back, so it's already 9:00. frank black and the catholics are coming! yay!
anyway, i don't even remember what we did thursday. derek left at midnight though, as always, because he has to be home by midnight-thirty. jon was making fun of me because i said that i looked depressed when i saw derek there. i was like, um, yes? but that was okay because then i had him to me. i didn't even cry or go into "system shock" when he told me he loved me. ;) i did, however, fall asleep all wrapped up in him, so that was nice.
i woke up at 9:30 a.m. (which is crazy for me) because he was kissing me while i was asleep. but, i mean, you know, there are worse reasons to be woken up. derek came over at noon-thirty or one, but til then i just sat on jonathan talking to him. we went to the mall to see if chas was working and ask if he was coming to jon's on saturday. we drove past sear's, and i wondered if trent was still working but didn't ask. (trent's the only one who regularly writes me, and i only put "regularly" because i've gotten a couple of things from jon; i've got a stack of trento letters). then we rented an x box game, hockey, and went back to jon's. they played the sims more while i slept more, and then they played hockey. i showed his mom how to do some stuff on the computer and took a shower, so i was occupied for the majority of the time jon played with derek.
so here comes the first time i almost cried (well, the only time; the other times i actually did). we were, just, you know, doing..stuff (which wasn't that much at all, we still had clothes on. he was impressed i could get his belt and pants undone with one hand, my left [weak] one at that), and he started doing something to his pants. i didn't know if he was taking them off or what, and i was freaking out on the inside. i really didn't want to do anything like that; i mean, i associate sex with people i don't care about, and i don't have that fixed yet. he moved down to my feet and pulled off my pajama bottoms and panties, but came up and lay down next to me and just continued. after a while i asked, "do you have pants on? because that'd be unfair if i'm pantless and you're not."
he laughed a little and said, "yeah, i put them back on. i did it to prove a point."
"what?"
"i want you to know that i love you for you and absolutely no other reason. we're going to be together for a long time, so it's not like we won't have plenty of chances to do that. :pause: anyway, i'd be fine with never doing that. as long as i can just lie with you and hug you and kiss you i'll be happy."
layla said that she would have started crying if someone said that to her, but that was just not the right time to do it. ;) we just sort of passed out later, independently, so unlike the night before we were on our respective sides of the bed. i had a dream that he found out carrie still had feelings for him, and he left me for her. except it was in dream time, seemingly real time, so it was drawn out and horrible. i woke up afterwards and couldn't even feel him touching me at all, looked over and he just had his back to me. that stressed me out, so i rolled over to him (he has a water bed) to get near him. he was completely out, though, so he didn't move. i fell back asleep, continued to have the same dream, but this time it was deep and didn't end til noon. i opened my eyes and didn't see him. after staring at the wall for a while i heard his computer mouse clicking, sat up, and there he was. i was really quiet for a couple of hours, and then his mom called at two and said she had locked her keys in the car at albertson's. derek came over and took us up there so jon could give her her keys.
derek came back with us, and then david called and said he was going to come. i haven't seen him since august, so i was really excited. when he got there, i stayed on jon's bed and waited for david to come to me. then suddenly this figure came around the computer desk and jumped on me. it was trent! aah! i wanted to scream i was so happy. all night he was hugging me and hanging on me like always, telling me he missed me and loved me. doug came, too, which was so fabulous. he's another big flirt like trent, so i got the same from him. everyone was at the kitchen table playing poker, and doug was telling me how they talk about me a lot, "especially when we got trent today. all day, 'what about sista chelsea? have you talked to chelsea since you've been here??'"
derek: "do you talk about how her boobs have gotten bigger? you've noticed, too, haven't you?" he's such a dork. when david, trent, and doug left, i got more hugs, trent said he'd write me, and doug kissed me on the top of my head. jonathan and derek went back to hockey, so i went and got on the internet.
i was talking to jennifer online about how i was really depressed because there had been someone there the entire time, and when they were there jon played with them and not me. i wrote in my lj journal that i wanted to go home, and i almost started crying so i got off.
at midnight derek left, but jon's dad was on the computer. jon turned the tv off, and i sat in the living room floor building card houses while he paced around. he said he was thinking, which made me paranoid of course; that's not what i needed to here after that dream. at like midnight-thirty we went into his room, and he played on his computer for a while. i don't remember what got us in his bed, but we started talking and stuff. he was just playing around with those complicated questions he asks me, the last one being how much i loved him. i started talking about how i was a slut, and he said that he was glad that i had done all that with those guys because it made me who i was, and that's who he fell in love with (i would switch that and make it grammatically correct, but that's how he said it; yeah i'm a geek). i was telling him about my dream, and the things i do around him that i normally wouldn't (like the fact that i will crawl on top of him and play around with him and stuff), and i knew i was going to start crying. i kept my eyes closed so i wouldn't. he said, "look at me."
"i can't."
"why not?
"i'll cry."
"please?"
so i did, and i started crying. i talked for a long time about how messed up i am, and he talked about how i'm not. he kept joking about how i wanted to make out with derek and trent and sean hall, and i told him it was true, that he was my practice. ;)
i just didn't want anything to happen that night, anything sexual or whatever, and it didn't. we just stayed up joking and stuff, and i finally fell asleep at 5:00 a.m. at 6:00 a.m. i woke up to jon kissing me again, so i stayed up. ;) we fell asleep from 11:00 to 1:00 p.m., when i had to get up and get packed. i was sitting in the floor playing solitaire while he downloaded a game he just got that day. i started crying and just stared at him. he realized i was looking at him, looked down at me, and got this hurt look on his face. i said in a whisper, "see, there you go making me cry again." he sat down behind me and put his arms around me and asked why i was crying, but that just made me cry more. bryan got there, and i had started sobbing by then. i managed to say, "i'm turning into you. i don't want to turn into you." i got into the car, he rolled down the windows, and turned up pinkerton really loud, so i had a chance to sob and not be heard quite as much. he asked, "what's wrong?"
"i don't like this."
"what?"
"I don't want to care about someone so much that i cry when i leave them."
when we listened to "a song to pass the time" (a couple of hours later mind you) i almost cried.
jonathan gave me a pretty wall scroll of yuna from final fantasy X, a castle statue, and a stuffed garfield with bunny ears on him. i was talking to him online last night, he suddenly signed off, and then my phone rang. i had to throw layla's side of the room around to find it, but i did, and it was jon. :)
i need to go eat now, though, because i haven't at all and everything gets blurry at intervals.
"walk with me, suzy lee, through the park, and by the tree we will rest upon the ground and look at the bugs we've found then safely walk to school without a sound. tonight i'll dream while i'm in bed, when silly thoughts go through my head about the bugs and alphabet. and when i wake tomorrow i'll bet that you and i will walk together again cause i can tell that we are going to be friends."
<3, chels.
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