posted on Monday, Nov. 20, 2006 @ 18:33
"everywhen," massive attack
"fingerbib," aphex twin
"high noon," kruder & dorfmeister
"teen age riot," sonic youth
"zen brain," nada surf
"not so manic now," dubstar
my brain is wandering. i'm hearing the static i sometimes feel. the majority of my free time today (including driving) was spent staring into space. this afternoon when i was finally finished with deposits and delivering fit orders, i sat at my desk staring at my keyboard. my red hoodie was balled up in my frozen fists, my lips hung slightly apart, and i listened to the quiet classical music eminating from john's computer. a few minutes passed like this when a door slammed, jerking me back to a semi-conscious state.
i was up until two in the morning today. i made a cheesecake and pumpkin pie, then played elite beat agents, well, until two this morning. i meant to wake up and shower before work, but i just didn't care.
after being shocked back into the real world, i sat at my desk fighting back tears. this was rather sudden. i bit the inside of my cheek until i sensed that familiar warm, wet metallic taste. i wrote form emails to a couple of departments regarding validation stamp sales, had a cigarette, and left. i could feel the overwhelming urge to cry encroaching once again, but i listened to the presidents of the united states of america and kept smoking.
in the 5400 block of burnet road (i took the traffic-laden route because all the turns of the neighborhoods seemed too laborious) i started crying. i was in front of the red light at koenig when a man�blonde crew cut, black sunglasses, brown suede blazer, white pants�stared as i wiped my eyes. he smiled what appeared to be a gentle, caring smile, but i glowered then turned away. there's no way a stranger would care i'm in rush hour traffic with blurry vision because i cannot control myself.
when i arrived home i brought owen a piece of my cheesecake. he looked at it, then to me, and suggested activities more lecherous in nature. i pet the cats and said, "i feel like shit." with a snicker he offered, "it will make you feel better."
i went to the couch to watch "30 minute meals."
i curled my feet beneath raz as she purred in sheer satisfaction of my homecoming. it's like that every day. i don't even have to pet her, just show up, and she's so happy. she warmed my feet, and eventually owen came and sat beside me with elite beat agents in hand. i said, "can i ask you something without offending you? can you leave me alone?" immediately he launches into is it my fault? is it something i did? i hope you don't hold it against me. shrill tones erupted from me and soon i heard the bedroom door close behind him.
i haven't had an appetite for the past week. i'm not interested in sleeping. maybe i'm becoming manic. or maybe i'm becoming worse.
this is a very old picture, around three years i believe. it was taken with my shitty camera, therefore the quality is shitty. it's apropos in times like these, so i'm pulling it out again. it was taken on a friday night when i was alone. not even my horrible neighbors were having a party.
well, i'm off to make buscuits. bread is the only appetizing food left.
"i'm going from strange to stranger every year."
<3, chels
p.s. here is the inspiration for the subject line. the eternal optimist in me insists on something pleasant coming from this entry.
