posted on June 10, 2004 @ 4:16 pm
"post-modern sleaze," sneaker pimps
"over the hills and far away," led zeppelin
"shoplifters of the world unite," smiths
"one weak," deftones
"the way that i found you," ladytron
"freakish," saves the day
you know what?
i
am
in
FUCKING
PAIN
:sigh:
last night i writhed about in bed crying. for a long time.
initially it began as i told janeane and tima they were all i had down here. even so, it's not like they have anywhere to go. the only time i interact with people outside of work is when they have gatherings to which everyone and their grandmothers are invited. even some of those i don't know about until i get a drunken phone call at four in the morning. then i experience an hour of it at least. i suppose.
i know i'm not very interesting because i don't go downtown or on other seemingly fascinating ventures like that. it's not like i could, anyway, since no one ever calls me. part of me would like to know why no one likes to be around me. at the same time, i have no intentions of changing, so it wouldn't matter anyway. when owen comes down here, it's going to be bad. no one's ever going to see me again.
i don't want to get upset about that again, though. reason number two, what caused the writhing and more of the crying, was my teeth. i don't fucking know what's wrong, but the pain is traveling up my jawline to my ear. it's killing me. i managed to sleep for a few hours after it suddenly stopped hurting. i'm stuck at work now with no orastat, though. it doesn't really work too well, but any slight relief is a blessing.
this morning around 11:30 i left to find the ups store where a package of mine is being held. finally giving up, i travelled to a garage to edit a book review of laura's. tommy, the day supervisor there, anthony, liz and i had a long discussion over the whole ben getting hired issue. tommy said jeff was the person to talk to, so apparently jeff's cooking something up. it's nice to know that not only do my co-workers feel outraged, but i have the support of at least one supervisor.
we ended up having several discussions about it; it's all anyone can talk about nowadays. at three, though, laura and i drove over to kinko's so she could fedex her review to london (it's being published in some international journal thing). the girl working was a complete jackass, nice, though. when laura and i heard her exclamations of her sister having a baby boy, we started talking about kids. laura wants to have one, preferably a girl, and she asked me, "do you want children? you don't, do you?"
"no, i'd love to."
"how many?"
"i dunno, that's something you have to decide when it happens. have one, see how that goes."
"does owen want to have children?"
"i don't know."
"you should discuss that before he moves in."
kinko's girl, excitedly: "are you getting married?"
me, laughing: "no, i don't know why this matters."
:both stare at me:
i think i'm in a population of like 2% of girls whom marriage terrifies. i could see hanging out with someone forever, but when you throw in "marriage" with the mix i think, "nevermind." when we were in the parking lot, i stood next to laura's truck with my arm extended to my side, waving, "marriage...and kids...that is so. very. far. away."
a girl afraid of commitment. i think i've set some sort of record.
i ended up staying at the garage until time for my shift (obviously, since we didn't go to kinko's til 3:00), so i took a shirt from the bathroom in that garage. now i'm left in a shirt that's a size too large and a skirt that's too short. i'm not sure why i wore this out in public. it's really too damn hot to be worrying about what my legs look like, though. i saw them in my reflection at kinko's, and they really do look awful. if only my fishnets weren't so damn hot. you wouldn't think they would, but they really heat up my legs. and give them a nice black outline, making them look smaller.
so, yeah. friendless and in tooth pain. but in exactly one week i will have a new home! eek!
sometimes i wish i had a farm
where the only pollution is your cigarettes,
where your mind is clear.
but i like it here in my small space.
[austin]'s the place where the sidewalks know my face
as i walk to my apartment, the home where i hide
away from all the darkness outside.
i'm there all the time.
bikes ride to the park and city pools.
it's summer now; empty the school.
fly home to my cat on the F train.
i'm protected from the pain
when i'm in my apartment, the home where i hide
away from all the darkness outside.
i'm there all the time.