everywhere i go, i know my mind plays tricks on me
June 08, 2004 8:41 am

rap beats from a computer, country from the radio

what a hellish combination, n'est pas? so goes my work life at this garage.

i've been awake for an hour and a half, and i can still beat solitaire in 83 seconds (drawing three cards, not the cheater one-card draw). what does this tell us about yours truly?

i've played solitaire way too much in my life.

i won't try and create some sort of psychologically deep metaphor about playing solitaire and being alone because, jesus guys, the game's called solitaire.

when we got a good computer (in other words, got rid of the commodore 64 :sniffle:) i discovered solitaire, and i played it for hours everyday. in high school, i would sneak into the pool room (named such because it's a den with a pool table in it) and play for hours, into the the wee hours of the night. i'd sit in the dark blinded by the light of the computer, thoughtlessly dragging and dropping cards while i thought about people and things that would never really have any sort of real connection to me.

rinse, repeat with ms. pacman and sonic the hedgehog 2 on my genesis (which has been callously given away without my knowledge since i have a genesis 3 here).

when we got a playstation, it was tomb raider with a soundtrack of god lives underwater, live in the so-called space age, a painfully terrific album. i listened to "happy" on repeat for three days once. those weren't my best three days.

the end of the chorus the first time says, "maybe someday you'll see i need you." the second, "maybe someday you'll see i need you to save me." the final, "maybe someday you'll see i need you to save me from myself." that was just great to me.

as aforementioned, i've only been awake an hour and a half, so this is enough of this bizarre rambling.

my head's been killing me the past couple days. i'm taking the pills the doctor gave me, but not every four to six hours. i'll try to remember at noon-thirty. i ate two donuts and am halfway through a "gigantor" [seth green] bottle of chocolate milk. my tummy's not happy now, either.

i think this is the first time my balance has ever been over $1,000. it's just because my rent check hasn't cleared. then i'll have to give $350 to new apartments. $127 in loans. the $60 electric bill i still haven't paid and may put off until next month. it looks impressive nonetheless.

yesterday was nana's birthday. she's 69. anthony said i was lucky to have my grandparents, and i pointed out i even had three great-grandparents; my last, mamaw mauldin, didn't even die until i was...15? i can't remember now. i was in high school, i think, so between 13 and 17. i've only realized in the past couple of years that most people don't even have grandparents, much less vivid memories of three great-grandparents. i even have a tape of mamaw mauldin where i asked her questions about the depression; i showed it in my english class junior year. yeah, so i must have been 16 when she died, maybe 17.

it's thundering loudly now. anthony: "the lord is mad today."
carl, systems guy: "mad?"
me: "he's just re-arranging his furniture."
carl: "haven't you heard that one?"
anthony: "but the lord can do that in a second."
me: "well the lord needs to help me move."
carl: ":cracks up:"

anyhoot. enough of this.

"everyday's the same since i've been alone. everyday i wait for you."
<3, chels.

p.s. to quote a country song, "if being a fool was cool, i'd be the hippest guy around." [i didn't get the full-time position and spent 10 minutes in the stairwell smoking and crying.]

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