adding insult to injury
posted on June 08, 2004 @ 4:38 pm

"sunday (the day before my birthday)," moby
"enjoy the silence (ecstatic dub)," depeche mode

what's interesting about this song is that the day before my birthday is, in fact, a sunday.

i think i've gotten over my little sobbing bit for now. owen called me at lunch, and as i sat locked in the bathroom at the garage speaking quietly in case the others could hear, my eyes began to water again. intermittently throughout my shift my eyes would water, and when anthony asked why i wasn't my normal cheerful self i just shrugged. he asked if i wanted lunch, and when i responded i didn't have an appetite for anything they came back. i spent several minutes of my shift staring at the ceiling trying to get the tears to drain back into my skull.

but i'm going to be a big girl about this. only my version of maturity involves pretending the guy who did get the full-time position doesn't exist in my presence. those i told about my battle for the job with him would scoff and ask, "ben? he's only been here a few months." christ, he's 26, and i think he has a degree. he needs to do bigger things than work in a parking garage. this afternoon when he arrived to work the evening shift, i made eye contact and looked down, going about gathering my things and saying goodbye to nina as if he weren't there. that's as big as i can get.

jeri gave me his tuesday shifts, the only day he worked that i didn't, so now i have to hope i can find another shift per week to get 40 hours. i think layla's already given away her mondays.

whatever. that's really all i can say. it was so hard to smile and joke with jeri as she was sentencing me to a life of wondering how i'm going to get by. i was biting my lip the whole time trying not to cry in front of her. once she left, i locked myself in the bathroom and bawled, then sat on the lower level smoking and crying more, as aforementioned.

i suppose hard work and knowledge don't pay off. the boss (a guy whose initials are, interestingly enough, BJ) probably just wants to fuck ben.

anti-<3, chels.

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