posted on April 07, 2004 @ 4:21 pm
"i deserve someone nice," the no-no's
i wrote this this morning around 10:30, as i listened to "maps" on repeat:
in my recent moodiness and contemplative-ness, the fact my life has no meaning is bothering me. my job is easily performed by a machine, and if the customers want a permit they can see the day cashiers, the ones who get names and pictures. i'm merely one of "36 part-time cashiers and student assistants."
if i'm a coffee wench, i'll have the pretentious assholes who are braindead enough to pay six bucks for coffee with milk. ohh but it has a fancy name you can't spell on your first try if you're not italian.
at least there i could have the middle-aged woman from michael's [craft store] on her lunch break, everyday telling me, "go to college and get a good job. don't end up like me." i'll smile compassionately and promise to graduate as the guilt of possibly lying pinches at my side.
a boy with whom i spoke once from eb games will stop by to say hi and make the day more bearable. i'll brag because i have a turbo grafx 16 and he doesn't.
the over-dressed middle-aged bald man will talk to me about belle du jour and eurotrash.
at this point in time, however, i don't even have that luxury. no more than three people a night actually need my help and couldn't use the paystation. in the gaping expanse of time between midnite friday and 3:30 p.m. wednesday, i lie thinking, what the fuck now? i may as well not exist on this planet. re.mem.ber. (breakfast club)
"i don't need help," he says, "but you can help if you want." nevermind. what i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody. who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. somebody addicted to me. a mutual addiciton. it's the same way a drug can be something good and something bad.
i took half a paxil and still feel shitty, only now in a sustained state of fatigue wherein i don't sleep. i couldn't find my pill-cutter-in-halfer; i assume i threw it away because it has a razor blade in it. i fished out the blade i took from work last year, in a bottle with two effexor, and pressed down on a pill between the three and zero. there's still dried blood encrusted on the blade.
jesus. i'm insane.
that's that. i finished choke after that, or possibly before. hmm. in any case, i forgot to take the other half of that paxil, so i'm afraid the little chill-ness i'm feeling now is going to wear off soon. my stomach is really unahppy about its presence, though.
as i tried to fall asleep, unable to breathe through my right nostril, my cell phone rang, area code 713. "hello."
"esta la casa de�"
"wrong number."
i don't know why so many damn mexicans call my phone.
i've yet to receive word form borders. rebecca said friday. i'll wait until friday.
here's a nice exert from choke:
the half moon looks up at us, reflected in a silver pie tin of beer. denny and me kneel in somebody's backyard, and denny kicks away the snails and slugs with little kicks of his index finger. denny lifts the pie tin, full to the brim, brings his reflection and his real face closer and closer until his fake lips meet his own lips. denny drinks half the beer and says, "this is how they drink beer in europe, dude." out of slug traps? "no, dude," denny says. he hands me the pie tin and says, "flat and warm." i kiss my own reflection and drink, the moon watching over my shoulder.
oh my god, we got these totally hostile emails about taking these courses for work, and the tone was completely "take this now or die you cunts!" monday night i sat at pg 1 with cole for around 3.5 hours, wherein we spoke of the amazing specialness it requires to partake of anal sex with us and also this rude email. he said he planned on calling them to complain tuesday, and what do i receive today? a mass email apologizing for the previous rude email. :collapses into a ball of laughter: if you did this, cole, you are totally my hero x 2 now (you get one for lying and saying i'm cute).
"i tried to ruin everything, in denial, until i saw the whites of his eyes."
<3, chels.
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