posted on January 14, 2004 @ 5:18 pm
this morning around one as i made my quiet cd at layla's, a little buzzed and very stoned, derek IMed me to say jonathan's life support was going to be turned off this afternoon. we talked about how strange all of this was, how we've never known anyone who died. he said now you look past all the reasons you didn't like him, "and all that's left are good memories."
"the other day i saw a space ghost commercial with conan on it, and i yelled, 'immortal frankenant!' we were such losers."
"weren't we though?"
he said, "i keep thinking, i lost my halo partner."
"saucy."
"sauceman. and 00crotch."
"yep."
i cried so much and couldn't stop. i didn't anticipate being so continually upset, which sounds a little horrible.
i went to the garage around 3 a.m. to tell stephanie to tell the day cashiers why i wouldn't be showing up for my 7:30-9:30 a.m. shift. i cried on the way over there and just managed to stop upon arriving. so when steph opened the door, saw me standing there, nearly dead cigarette in hand and eyes "shrink-wrapped in tears," and asked, "are you okay?" i shook my head no and started bawling. i tried to talk but couldn't, and jason hugged me and kissed my forehead as i stood with my fists in my eyes. he, kyle, jennie and katie were all up there, and i felt so ridiculous sobbing in front of them all. kyle (who was, to quote steph, "a little less than sober") and steph sat listening to me tell what was going on, kyle offering his shirt sleeve for me to wipe my nose on.
a while later, after temporarily disappearing, kyle returned and told me to come outside with him. i sat next to him with his arm around me on a bench in front of the garage, and he told me he wanted me to know it was okay that i cried in front of them, that he knew i was probably feeling bad about it. i smiled and told him i felt stupid, and we talked about people dying and funerals, etc. etc. "there is no life without death," i told him, and suddenly jason appeared with a frozen tv dinner. the three of us talked about halo and the sims. kyle gave me a hug and said i now had unlimited hug access. "wow, that's like a cheat code," jason said, "unlimited hug access from kyle." by four, after a few more hugs and listening to a perfect circle, i was completely fine on the surface and went home to pack.
the drive home was miserable. my eyes burned so badly, i went back and forth between hot and cold, and my stomach churned as i drank tea and cylcled through cool ranch doritos, chocolate chips, and turkish royals (i've run out of my flavored ones). there was dense fog, but it didn't bother me this time.
when i got home, mom was only concerned about me not showing up for work, and she and i got in this huge screaming fight. and by "screaming fight" i mean me screaming at her and her being silently upset. i told her i'd find out later that morning what my supervisor had to say about my remaining shifts, and she asked how i'm going to check my mail if doug won't let me on the computer. i told her he could bite me for all i care, i have to check my mail, and she got all pissed talking about me having an attitude. i don't even remember what all i said. i just remember asking her if she knew what the fuck was going on and telling her repeatedly to shut up.
i told her, "i don't know how to handle this. when i get upset, i do this," hiting the scars on my arm from a year and a half ago. "and i can't do this anymore, so i don't know what to do. you have no idea how hard it was this past week not to do this."
i'll have those scars forever. i'll look at them and hear jonathan begging me not to do it, and i'll remember abruptly saying goodbye and hanging up.
after mom dropped ava off at the vet, she said to me with tears in her eyes, "it pains me that you hurt. i know i can't stop you from cutting yourself and it pisses me off." she started crying, as did i. we diverted our attention to leave it to beaver, but the credits soon began to roll. one of the creaters/writers name was mosher.
i fell asleep in the recliner during her trip to drop off maggie and woke up at 12:30 to mom handing me a grilled cheese and tator tots on a black saucer. she and doug sat talking at the kitchen table while i ate around the crust and made the tator tots last three bites, eating all but three of them. mom ushered me to sarah's bed, where i immediately fell asleep.
at four, mom woke me up to check my email. my supervisor had sent out a message asking for volunteers to cover my shifts, and i also got a long, nice one from owen. i remembered i gave derek my old cell number to call, so i went to the car to get it (i didn't bring in anything when i arrived this morning).
now along with my messages from stephanie informing me nothing is cooler than talking to her, mom beginning with her patented "hi, doll," and owen yelling in japanese, just 10 minutes before i checked my messages at 4:14 one was left saying jonathan passed half an hour ago.
i called derek's mother, who gave me his cell number since he's working until 8 tonight. we talked for a while, and i laughed when he said, "at least he lost all that weight. i wouldn't want to carry his fat ass around. how much did he used to weigh?"
"i have no idea. i found a really old picture of him while going through stuff in my room, and i can't even remember him like that." i remember his large rib cage protruding when he'd lie on his back and making fun of his chicken legs.
derek's going to pick me up and take me to the viewing on friday and his funeral on saturday. at least i think that's when he said things were happening; it was hard to comprehend any of it.
mom and sarah rushed out the door at 4:40. doug got out of jury duty early, and they've an 8 o'clock mavericks game to get to in dallas. mom called out "bye babe," and i was left sitting at the kitchen table under the harsh flourescents, drinking from a glass of tea mom had made and ignoring my over-cooked waffles on the saucer before me. i heard the front door lock clack, and mom returned. she placed a ten dollar bill next to my waffles and said i should call derek and see if he wants to get something to eat. she hated for me to be alone. i said weakly, ok, and again she left.
the kitchen table set-up is currently the same: glass, saucer, waffles, money. all light from outside has died, and the hallways and rooms are pitch black and quiet in the brown home.
i packed some clothes i could wear to a funeral just in case. good thinking.
number two on the quiet cd. it's always been hard to listen to, but i could barely see the road when i listened to it this morning:
my city's still breathing (but barely it's true) through buildings gone missing like teeth. the sidewalks are watching me think about you, all sparkled with broken glass. i'm back with scars to show. back with the streets i know. they never take me anywhere but here. those stains in the carpet, this drink in my hand, these strangers whose faces i know. we meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say, "i wanted it this way," and wait for the year to drown. spring forward, fall back down. i'm trying not to wonder where you are. all this time lingers, undefined. someone choose who's left and who's leaving. memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me: some matches, a blanket, this pain in my chest, the best parts of lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires, new words for old desires, and every birthday card I threw away. i wait in 4/4 time. count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.
everywhere there's a memory; that's why i can't stand this town. buildings, flowerbeds, intersections all awaken thoughts i've tried to retire.
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