posted on May 13, 2003 @ 5:37 pm
"the becoming"
"i do not want this"
"big man with a gun"
"a warm place"
"eraser"
"the downward spiral"
"hurt," nin
the one nice thing about when i get like this is pretty much all i listen to is nine inch nails and marilyn manson. i haven't listened to marilyn in ages, but last night i listened to portrait of an american family, smells like children, and remix and repent on my way home. it was great. "she's melting on me like cotton candy." oh marilyn, making a girl blush. i don't think twiggy's going to be touring with them considering he now plays for a perfect circle, so i have no reason to go see them at ozzfest. now i've got to track down a perfect circle.
driving around longview wasn't so bad this time. i built up this (quite obviously false) superiority complex that really helped me get through my visit. "everything is perfect if i want it to be."
ah, "a warm place." fun memories attached to this song. i must've lost a gallon of blood with this on repeat over the years. when i was taking my laundry home over easter, i almost put in my bloody washcloth. that would have been disasterous. and "eraser," at the end, when he's yelling "kill me" over and over. yeah, fun memories. god, and "the downward spiral."
he couldn't believe how easy it was. he put the gun up to his face. bang! (so much blood for such a tiny little hole.) problems have solutions. a lifetime of fucking things up fixed in one determined flash. everything's blue in this world. the deepest shade of mushroom blue. all fuzzy spilling out of my head.
my drive home was nice, being able to yell along with trent and marilyn. i just noticed my finger is bleeding at the cuticle. it's very cold, and i'm shaking, partially not because it's cold.
i borrowed the money from my school money for the deposit of our townhome. next week when i get paid i'll replace it. hopefully jennifer can give me the $125 soon, too. she's looking for another job. someone at worked mentioned there were two full time people leaving at the end of the month. maybe i can get one of their jobs; that would eliminate the need for another job.
this is all i suppose. all the words after this are just lyrics. it's a lot of shit, but a couple should provide pseudo-interesting insight. i wanted to say a lot more, but it's escaping me momentarily. hopefully i can get stoned out of my mind tonight. "try to kill it all away." i asked the pharmacy if i could fill a prescription from august, and they said yes. again hopeful, maybe i can be doped up all the time soon.
"maybe it's a part of me you took to a place i hoped it would never go, and maybe that fucked me up so much more than you'll ever know."
<3, chelsea.
"i'm stuck in this dream. it's changing me. i am becoming. the me that you know had some second thoughts. he's covered with scabs, and he is broken and sore. the me that you know doesn't come around much. that part of me isn't here anymore. all pain disappears. it's the nature of my circuitry. drowns out all i hear, there's no escape from this, my new consciousness. the me that you know used to have feelings, but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay. the me that you know is now made up of wires, and even when i'm right with you i'm so far away. i can try to get away, but i've strapped myself in. i can try to scratch away the sound in my ears. i can see it killing away all my bad parts. i don't want to listen, but it's all too clear. hiding backwards inside of me, i feel so unafraid. annie, hold a little tighter. i might just slip away. i won't give up. it wants me dead. goddamn this noise inside my head."
"i'm losing ground. you know how this world can beat you down. i'm made of clay. i fear i'm the only one who thinks this way. i'm always falling down the same hill, bamboo puncturing this skin, and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall i'm drowning in. two feet below the surface i can still make out your wavy face, and if i could just reach you maybe i could leave this place. i do not want this. don't you tell me how i feel. you don't know just how i feel. i stay inside my bed. i have lived so many lives all in my head. don't tell me that you care. there really isn't anything, is there? you would know, wouldn't you? you extend your hand to those who suffer, to those who know what it really feels like, to those who've had a taste, like that means something. and oh so sick i am, and maybe i don't have a choice, and maybe that is all i have, and maybe this is a cry for help. i do not want this. don't you tell me how i feel. you don't know just how i feel. i want to know everything. i want to be everywhere. i want to fuck everyone in the world. i want to do something that matters."
"i bash myself to sleep. what you sow i will reap. i scar myself you see. i wish i wasn't me. i hate therefore i am. goddamn your righteous hand. i throw a little fit. i slit my teenage wrists. you want me to save the world. i'm just a little girl."
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