posted on April 16, 2003 @ 9:03 pm
as i was explaining to the bum, i've grown this new-found�not confidence, but something that has allowed me not to care what other people think. maybe after so many years of owen's praise, it's starting to sink in? this change has truly been confusing. i get off my medicine, buckle down and tell myself that i am going to get over everything and enjoy everything i have, and in the process i become a little more comfortable being me. i guess after being in a relationship for so long with jonathan, i can actually realize why people enjoy being single. as much as i long for some sort of companionship, jesus, i'm only 19. if i actually do find someone to marry, i'll have the rest of my life to be connected with them. obviously my friends are going to worry about the things i do and be affected to some extent by that and vice versa, but clearly it's heightened in a relationship. i can't handle that emotional trauma right now as i'm on the mend, and i really need this time to develop myself. not take in what other people have to say constantly. you know if i were asked, however, i'd say yes. "do as i say not as i do." co-dependent relationships are so very dangerous, even ones where only one party is dependent. that's really how i've always been, even with my friends.
the other day layla was telling me about how much it angers her when doctors dish out pills for adhd rather than trying to see what's actually wrong. now, that's so true everywhere. when i started my medication, i'll admit that i needed it. if i ever got that way again, i would take it. but now, after having been on them for nearly two years, i feel like something has changed. maybe it wasn't really a chemical imbalance, just a mental one. i'm so paranoid about everything that i bring myself down, and i'm sure moments of clarity like now as i type could be seen as my manic phases. i've returned to cleaning and staying up all night and having a general positive attitude about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
the only downfall? i no longer worry about getting kicked out of school. my biggest fear is telling my parents. my current postulation is to tell them i'm going to take a semester off if i get kicked out. tell them my mental turmoil has been too much lately, that the rigor of the big school is just getting to me a little and that it's rather normal to take a break. in the spring i can go to acc for my basics, which i need to anyway, and hopefully i can get back in and get my shit together. i know that later in life i'll regret not getting an education if i just drop out. as i've told several people, that's the only reason i go to school: i want to have kids, and i don't want them to ever have to worry about having what they need. i don't want them to have to worry about making loan payments every month for their schooling; i can save up and plan better and hopefully limit the amount they'll have to pay (which, yes, i'll have them pay it just like i'm paying it). that's another thing: i don't feel so badly because i'm the one paying for it. it's my money i'm wasting, not my parents. as much as i fuck up in life, it's very comforting to know that at least it doesn't affect my family financially. it just hurts knowing i have to lie to them.
this weekend stefan and two other guys are coming over to shoot potatoes (via stefan's potato gun) at the ghetto people in the alley behind my apartment building. i just hope we don't get shot/shot at/arrested. it should be fun.
see? i don't have a bad life, damn it. my moaning and bitching and whining has come to an end. yes. now. you (better known as her), goddamn it, you better not make me change my mind. right now i am making a promise to not cut myself again. ever. and i mean it! when owen told me he still did and did it rather badly, i would have cried had i not been at work. and i felt so nauseated. i don't want to make other people feel like that. i always wondered why mom got so upset over it, why she'd sob and yell and plead with me not to do it. sitting in pg 2�excuse me, san antonio st. garage�with my filthy hoodie sleeves balled up in my eyes, i understood. so i'm stopping.
speaking of owen, layla needs some shifts covered in july and august, as i'll need them when i kidnap owen. we're going to switch a lot of shifts to better aid my kidnapping and her visit from delphine and gaila. i'm probably going to take all of my vacation hours, too, so i can get paid while i'm gone. huzzah.
i think that's enough for epiphanies today. i'll probably re-read it, however, and add more. cheerio.