posted on February 18, 2003 @ 5:20 am
"chelsea," counting crows
Dear School,
Fuck You. You are a dirty son of a bitch. Love always, Bryan
i couldn't have expressed it better ma'self. after not going to school this summer (considering i don't flunk out after this semester), i seriously wonder how i'm going to motivate myself to get back in. really. fuck all, i'll probably get kicked out anyway. :sigh:
i had an anthropology test i'm sure i did terribly on. the lab part was everything i feared it would be, and the computer part over the stuff in lecture just seemed too easy. but in an unsettling way. =
this song is too perfect. i'm burning fairy reflections incence and eating russel stovers chocolates that were half off because it's after vday. it feels nice right now, even the lighting. i want to walk in the cold and wet, alone. this song makes me feel very lonely. i wish this is all my life could be. i've always known i'd be content with just a normal job, but i know i could never do that. cat and frank always ask, do you want to work at a parking garage for the rest of your life? then i'm forced to recollect the discussion i had with dennis one day. he works full time, only making $1500 a month. that's less than my mom makes working at a grocery store. granted she's been there for 25 years and gotten raises, but the garages, that's just a fixed ut pay. there's no chance of that going up anytime soon because of budget costs; hell, they're going to take away the benefits of us part-timies. i really just don't know. another secret of mine is that i wouldn't mind having some "selfish, fucked up brats [i] spawned to replace [my]self" (trainspotting) and a little calm, simple family.
choose a job. choose a career. choose a family. choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. choose a starter home.
another pipe dream of one miss pyx that will probably never be materialized.
random fact: when i'm not watching a movie, my computer brightness is set at zero, the contrast at 30. i can't handle the brightness.
i went to walmart with jenn at 2:00 a.m., and i bought a cute purse with pink glittery stars. it's nice. not that i need another purse... i almost bought a wallet, but then i really thought hard about it and concluded i don't intend on giving up the use of my care bears wallet. it's so old and splendiferous.
i was thinking about going home friday after work (leave around 1:00 a.m. to arrive at home around 6:00 a.m.) and coming back sunday in time to go to the atom show (at 10:00 or 11:00 p.m.). [i'm not sure why i always specify a.m. or p.m.; it's not like context doesn't give it away.] saturday is my mommy's 41st birthday. today was my papaw's (her dad's) 70th birthday. friday, vday, was uncle ray's (nana's [mom's mom] brother's) birthday. wait, i think i've gone over this. anyway, as every february 22nd (oh yeah, it's derek's birthday, too), mom and doug bring sarah to shreveport and get a hotel room and do their thing for the night. maybe if i went they just wouldn't go so late. then again, i'd be there all day saturday. anyway, i'd have to drive another hour on saturday to get to nana's after my five to viewtown, then on the way home it'd take six hours. :falls over: but i want to see my mommy on her birfday. nana and papaw said they wouldn't tell her if i did decide to come. i'll just have to see. i wish i could get someone to go with me, but i'm not familiar with anyone who would like to hang out with me, my eight-year-old sister, and my grandparents on saturday night. except me, of course. it sounds pretty rad to me.
is that all? i suppose. final thought: i don't like people with blonde hair. "vomitous" as some would say.
i never go to new york city these days. something about the buildings in chelsea just kills me. maybe in a month or two, maybe when things are different for me, maybe when things are different for you. you know all of this shit just sticks in my head. there's anything different these days. the light in her eyes goes out. i never had a light in my eyes anyway. maybe things are different these days. it's good for everybody to hurt somebody once in a while. the things i do to people i love shouldn't be allowed. something about the buildings in chelsea just kills me. i dream i'm in new york city some nights, and angels float down from all the buildings. something about an angel just kills me. i keep hoping something will. i keep hoping, i keep hoping, i keep hoping.