posted on November 24, 2002 @ 12:37 pm
"bandages," hot hot heat
i just talked to layla on the phone and started crying. this is like the third or fourth time i've cried at work. heh. it's so depressing to talk to her because people actually talk to her. it's as bad as talking to shannon. layla said i give people the evil eye, but i don't even look at them. when i do ever make eye contact, most of the time i half-smile. it's reflex. the polite thing to do. i don't know why it's such a terrible thing to talk to me. it's not like they know my secrets yet; they have no reason to discriminate. if they would at least let me open my mouth, then find out i'm a horrid freak with too many issues to even begin to wade through, then i'd understand. but for all they know, i'm perfectly sane. it's so frustrating because i would do anything in my fucking power and beyond for anyone i know, and something that makes me so sad is i don't know if they would do the same for me. so until people stop being complete pricks i'm left driving around for hours at a time.
money people spend on going out i spend on gasoline.
my car's my best friend. marc said i should name her funny bunny. it's sort of like when i was trying to find a name for oobi doobi shanoobi (my hamster), it took several days. then i heard oobi, and it fit. only it's been three months since the car's been completely mine, away from home, and still i got nothin'.
last night, lying in bed at 2:01, i realized i don't want that overnight job. argh, i don't know, though. i would love to not have to get more loans, and making that much money i could put so much toward school and my retard credit card. i don't know. jenn said i shouldn't, and she's my decision maker.
i'm fucking hungry, and for an hour and a half jamie was here. did i ask to go get food? no, i just sat here like a dumb ass thinking, i should go get food.
i really fucking hate my low times. i should go mope to god lives underwater. once, i listened to "happy" on repeat for three days, only leaving my room for the bathroom; i had sarah bring me food. ah, good times.