posted on November 23, 2002 @ 5:33 pm
keys clicking in the computer lab
last night before i got into bed, i noticed all of marc's belongings were gone. he had been gone since wednesday, with stefan to get the rest of his things; he can disappear, however, so i didn't think anything of it. i even looked behind my mirror to see if his keyboard was there, and it was not. i got really worried, thinking he had just moved back to college station, but i left the top lock unlocked just in case he decided to stop back by.
this afternoon, i woke up at 1:30 and saw him standing in my room. he had begun losing his voice earlier in the week, yesterday it was completely gone, and today he was talking in a whisper. he said that stefan asked him to move in with him and ryan, and he said okay. he said stefan seemed to sincerely want him there. i told him it wasn't fair because i wanted him first, and now i can't afford cable anymore; how am i supposed to watch cartoons?! he asked me, "do you like having me around?"
"i love having you around. that's why i was so upset last night. i thought you had gone back to college station."
"for good?"
"yeah, and i would have hated that."
i can see how frustrating it can be to try to convince me of something now because i've told him several times i enjoy his company.
while i was lying there, he saw the cuts on my arm and said if i do it again, he's going to beat the shit out of me. he can crack my ribs on the side so they won't puncture my lungs. "but what if it's your fault? i'm so depressed that you're going to live with stefan; i don't get you or cable."
"doesn't matter why you do it."
he'd also break my nose and kick me around and send me to the hospital. everyone would think he's crazy afterward, but that's a sacrifice he'd be willing to make. i told him, "but everyone already thinks you're crazy."
:lies on me: "do you think i'm crazy?"
"yes, but i am, too. we're all a little crazy sometimes."
jennifer's really pissed because she spent part of her rent money last night on a straightening comb, cat litter, and a snape doll for me. (: ooh, last week she also bought me a johns poster. i have such a crush on lukas haas. anyway, marc said he's not going to come by since jennifer's upset with him. she said that's fine. lol. he still has a key, though.
on a lighter note, i didn't get paid and probably won't until december 5th. isn't that swell; rent's due the 3rd. i have $0.83 in the bank, and $140 in cash. :lays her head on the desk:
layla and marc hate each other. it's just like high school; all my friends hate each other. i'm not sure why layla hates marc, and i don't particularly care to learn. i just don't respond when they talk about one another.
one actual good thing is i don't have to work the weekend after thanksgiving. i get to go home thursday morning and not return until sunday night. i told nana that jonathan never responds to my emails, and she scoffed and said i could just spend my weekend at home with them. it was cute; i laughed and am considering it. i have to see derek at least, and i would like to see brian.
there's a job opening working 11:30 p.m.-7:30 a.m., sunday through thursday at PG3, but i don't know if i want to take it. i'm so confused and depressed now; i really can't make decisions. i would make $2000 a month, however.
there's a laboratory for the study of anxiety disorders offering free treatment as long as they can observe you for research; i think i'm going to give them a ring on monday. tell them i can't afford medicine, so they need to fix me.
this is too long. jenn's doing research, so i'm going to continue to sit here and mourn...everything.
first jonathan promises he'd move to austin, and he doesn't. then marc even goes so far as to bring half his shit over and then leaves. i've now been ditched twice.
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