posted on October 23, 2002 @ 1:23 am
fight club
"if i did have a tumor, i'd name it marla. marla. the little scratch on the roof of your mouth that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it."
except mine would be named jonathan. i hate more than anything in the world (except me, you know) that one person can affect me so much, and that's making me hate him. i can't, though, because i promised him i'd always be his best friend. and since i cut myself the other week and plan to do a number on myself tonight, and since i got quite stoned this weekend, that uses up my two promises to break, since he lied to me. that's the only reason i'm going in on his birthday. depending upon how i feel that week, i may ask if i can stay here.
by any sane person's definition (and even by fucking idiots' definitions), i am not his best friend. so since i'm not now, i can't remain his friend, right? he never calls me, he never tells me anything. he never emails me. i know more about strangers' problems than i do his. so i don't even have to worry about that promise. fine. jennifer told me to just warn him a few times and block him on AIM. heh. so i did. i don't intend to talk to him for a very long time. i have to de-program my body to want to call him when i don't feel well. last night when i was throwing up and felt like i was dying, when i thought about how i'm not good enough for anyone, i wanted to call him.
then i had to realize i'm not good enough for him either.
"this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."
anti-<3, chelsea.
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