posted on May 20, 2002 @ 4:16 am
"all things ordinary," "perfectly," the anniversary
"days go by," dirty vegas
anyone who can write this makes me want to vomit. in their face. in the mouth, down the throat. my vision just blurred; that's how mad at everything i am right now.
i'm really tired of even trying anymore. back in january i started changing, not being so doomy and gloomy all the time. then when jonathan and i started going out, i was like, shit maybe good things do come to those who wait. but alas, as things so often are, he is torn away from me. my life works for two months and then returns to its lonely, abyssmal hell. well that's fine. fuck you, universe. if you want me to be miserable and alone for the rest of my life, i will. i give up. i told jennifer, "hey, when you get back, i'll be able to mope and hate everything and everyone with you again! isn't this exciting!"
to which she responded, "no, not at all. you were my only hope. i thought, 'well, if chelsea can get a boyfriend, then maybe everything's not that bad.'"
i thought that, too. having a boyfriend, one who loved me no less, was definitely an interesting endevour. and i must admit if, in fact, i do get another, i just may be able to open up to him emotionally. until then, however, you can all sod off. not my friends; i promised jonathan i would show more affection to others. if i don't know and like you, though, you better fucking stay out of my way.
what the fuck is on television? this paul mccartney video is him driving and all these half-naked chicks. i'm becoming quite hardcore with my feminism, so every time i see something like this i get pissed beyond words. in star wars it was pathetic watching sen. amidala's wardrobe change to fit the scene, ending in her white pant suit that was so conveniently slashed from boob to hip. the action figures of her are even in that outfit.
i wish i was black. earlier i was watching angie scott's video and wanted to just jump on her; she's so pretty. on that note, of relatively large black women, jill scott is gorgeous as well. black chicks are encouraged to be thick, with big boobs, a huge ass, and giant lips. aside from the lack of ass, i am very hot in the opinions of black men. but are there any in austin? no. goddamn white people. goddamn you all. fuck your 5'9", size 2. i'm almost tempted not to lose weight just so i won't conform to society's standard of beauty. the only reason i'm going to try is because it's very uncomfortable wearing clothes in the summer, especially when you have to walk a couple of miles a day in the heat.
i got to drive jonathan's mother's car tonight. he didn't want to be at his house, so we went to target and wal-mart. i bought two 50-piece mini puzzles, one of ewan and the other of C-3PO and R2D2. i have a new obsession with R2D2 and 3PO. i've always loved 3PO's humor, and seeing the new star wars just sort of sealed it. and i love how R2D2 will do whatever the hell he feels like doing. it was also quite cute seeing him fly with his little jets. i want the legos of 3PO and R2D2, but they're like $20 or $30 each. :(
i didn't get to go edit the lupus because of a migraine, but i get to edit jonathan's book. that should keep me occupied and entertained. he sent it in to balentine books (have i written about this?). you have to pass six tests to get something published, the first being creativity and imagination. out of 5.0 points, he got 4.8. yay.
i guess this is enough for now. i'm going to go put together my puzzles, or continue to build towers. my cuts are almost gone now; told you they weren't that bad.
"the world has turned and left me here, just where i was before you appeared. and in your place and empty space has filled the void behind my face."
<3, chels.
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