posted on May 17, 2002 @ 3:54 am
"waking up beside you," stabbing westward
"eye," smashing pumpkins
i wonder if my parents will find this journal. not that it particularly matters (now that i'm "legal" and the car will soon be mine), just that it'd bother me that they invade my privacy so. they may argue that it's public and online, but that's the same as if they came in my room and saw my paper one were sitting on my bed. i just don't want them to know how i'm feeling; it's not like i'll be getting into any trouble up here. or getting into anything at all. :sigh: anyway, in my box from jonathan, i got sim tower, and i can completely see myself becoming addicted to it. i used to be utterly obsessed in eighth grade. i'm very stressed and getting a migraine (i've been sans glasses for several days now), so i'm lighting "enchanted sprite" insense in my faerie insense bottle, both also in my box.
at 1:00 p.m. this afternoon, jenn and stacey came by and picked me up. we went to pick up sally and then the mall, where jenn got me an application for sam goody since i was too wimpy to ask. jonathan said that his family knows the manager (an adorable guy with tattoes and buddy holly glasses) and all that stuff, so i'm going to mention his mom as a reference cause he told me to. they're going to be hiring in two weeks, which is when i'll have my car. how convenient.
after the mall, we went to the high school. i talked to mrs. scroggins for 25 minutes, then, since the bell had rung and i figured the others wanted to leave, i went to mrs. williams's room to find them. jenn was in there, but i just stood behind mrs. williams without saying anything. jenn waved, and mrs. williams turned around and exclaimed, "chelsea!" i told her about changing my major, and she jokingly asked me to edit the lupus, that this year's staff weren't good proofreaders, that i was the best. just moments earlier i had told mrs. scroggins about how last year when i did, i felt like such a geek lying on the couch and sick, but with my red pen in hand! she said she must be the same way because it's one of the few things she gets absorbed into doing, like driving. that's so cool and me. then i told her i wanted to take german, and she said, "oh, i love that language." i told mom tonight, "i'm turning into the coolest woman in the world!" tomorrow morning i get to go to school and edit the lupus!!! yes!!! then i get to go to jonathan's and lie in his bed with him watching movie after movie. grand. (:
then the five of us (we picked up lindsey) went to ryan's to eat with the old people. it was really fun; i had a great evening with them. jenn dropped me off at jonathan's at 6:00, and we went to see star wars: episode II at 10:00. it was way cheesy and just made my head hurt cause i don't have my glasses.
i don't want to talk about what's going to happen when jonathan leaves. he says, "you know we have to decide what's going to happen to us," but i want to treat it like i do all my other problems. i want to ignore it until it goes away. this problem won't go away, though? when i no longer have to wait for the moment that i leave his house and can never come back, then my problem will be gone. i have bitched and moaned and bled so much and for so long to not be lonely. to have one person whom i know is there at all times, no matter what. that sounds offensive to my friends, but you know it's different. i've always wanted someone i can go to, whine like a baby about everything, and have him wrap himself around me and kiss my nose and say, "poor pyx. but i still love you!" to get in my face and rub his lips against mine, not actually kissing me, just to tease me because he knows i can't let him do that for long without kissing him. to point out things that he thinks are cute but i find annoying when i find them out, like that i move my legs when i get excited (no matter my position), or that i squint a whole whole lot when i smile. to always, always know when i'm lying about what's on my mind. to whisper, "i love you so much. i don't want to say that if i'm leaving you, but i can't help it."
well, it all that self-sacrifice paid off. i got just that, and so much more. and now it's being taken away from me. i knew it was too good to be true.
"i've been so alone for so long, forgotten by the world, forgotten to myself. your effervescent eyes have awakened me and brushed the dust away, but i knew you'd never stay. so i memorized the color of your eyes as i lost myself inside you, and i memorized the way our legs entwined as i drifted off beside you. at night i cling to you; i'm so afriad, afraid the day will come, and i'll wake and find you gone. but you promised that you'd not abandon me and kissed my fears away, but i woke up to that day. i've been so alone for so long i forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone. but i memorized how warm your body felt as you lay half asleep beside me, and i memorized the way the sunlight filled the room and played upon your body. i miss, god i miss, waking up beside you."
<3, chelsea.
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