posted on 2002-04-23 @ 10:58 p.m.
i wonder if people know how affectionate i'm capable of being. i've always made it a point to push people away and be as distant and uncaring as possible, but i wonder if there are those who could so easily see through that. when i was talking to jonathan about how i feel so confused now that i'm more prone to being happy, how i'm not used to feeling that, he said that was what he always saw. "maybe you were just afraid of being hurt... or you needed someone to show you, but this was the side i always saw deep inside of you, the one that gets the gleem in her eyes, and has the cute little smile, the one who'll go skip up to a power puff girl doll while singing some britney spears song." i think that's a fair assessment of why: i just didn't want to get hurt, so i didn't let anyone talk to me, even though that's all i ever wanted. i wonder if people would find it funny to see or experience me being affectionate. like that night bryan was sad and i gave him kisses. would they furrow their brow when they see me around jonathan? over easter it suddenly struck me one day: what the hell am i doing? and even i was thoroughly confused, and even told him that, how the way i act toward him is the biggest proof of my feelings for him. i don't do that around anyone else, except for jenn and bryan occassionally. like one night i laid my head down in jenn's lap.
there's a part of me, that doomy death side, that really doesn't like caring so much about jonathan. i know i've written about this so much, but it's going away little by little. i don't like that i worry about him more than i do usually about others. last night he said he felt sick, and then went idle for 20 minutes. when he came back he said he threw up until he was dry heaving, and something inside just went, "eek." if jenn or bryan had told me that, i would have said, "eww that's gross. are you okay now?" it's just that jonathan does it more often than everyone i know, so the mom in me wants to panic. it bothers me that i panic. it bothers me that i sobbed when i had to leave him. oh what the hell, i'm starting to cry now. i think it's just pms hangover. anyway, he signed off this morning at 6:02, mid-conversation, and never came back. naturally, i'm in the throes of considering the multitudinous disasters that have happened, which all lead back to he hates me. :sigh:
he hasn't seen samuri jack at all since it's been on, and he said he really wants to see the movie that was the first episode. coincidentally, i was looking through the cartoon network shop and saw that they have it on dvd. i didn't even know that they put it out.
i don't know, i was just thinking about all that on my way home this morning and thought i should write it down. i bought a cd of seven songs by a band called smoking picasso. a guy in my poetry class, art, is in it. i really like it. they've got a show tonight at 8:00, and i'm most likely going. jenn's coming over to get food, so this entry's over.
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