posted on 2002-03-26 @ 3:23 a.m.
when jonathan called, after about an hour he asked me if i had fallen in love with him. i've told him before that i won't readily give out such information�those positive emotions�without knowing beforehand that they're reciprocated. so we had one of those back and forth incidents of me saying, "you answer the question," he says, "i asked first," i say, "i asked second." he kept saying, "i think you know the answer to that question." i'd say, "no, i don't," and he'd say, "yes, you do." i had to hear him say it though. finally, after promising that i'd answer the next question first, he said, "i love you chelsea. you mean so much to me, and you know that." and i started crying. (i feel like i'm going to now.) and i couldn't say a word. i just lay there fully underneath my covers (up over my head even), and the tears slowly ran down my cheeks. he asked, "did i say something wrong?"
":weakly: no."
"did i say something right?"
":whispering: yeah."
i felt happy and scared and fabulous and wretched all in one. like the time that the old guy (ben) said that he could see himself loving me. only with jonathan, i honestly think i love him, too, so that makes it scarier. he asked me if i had gone into system shock, and i managed a feeble, "yes." he asked why, and i told him, after much deliberation and force from myself, it was because i never thought anyone would want to love me. he said there were so many things to love about me, so many things that he does love about me. i got quiet again, and he asked what i was thinking for the several'th time. i finally was able to say, "i love you, too," and started crying harder. i didn't let it show in my voice, and my allergies are acting up so i'm sniffly anyway. a few minutes later he asked when i fell in love with him, and i said i didn't know. which i don't, it's just one of those things that you suddenly realize. then he asked why i loved him, and i made a frustrated sigh and said, "you ask such complicated questions." which i think hurt his feelings some, made him feel bad for asking so many questions like that. he said he's going to make a chelsea page on his website, and make me an easter box since he doesn't have a basket. his great aunt had to use the phone, so he said he'd call me back. "ok."
"hey chelsea?"
"yeah?"
"i love you."
"i love you, too."
when he gets serious his voice is so soft and gentle, but there's still conviction in it, you know? he called back, and we talked for about another hour. i told him i was going to bring him back with me, and that he's going to help me move into my apartment and i'm going to make him stay then, too. he asked, "what if i transfer to UT?"
"i'll kidnap you everyday."
"it can't be kidnapping if it's not against my will."
"that's okay."
i have a powerpuff girls heart-shaped message board on our door. before leaving to go to jenn's to watch some of the oscars, i wrote on the board inside the room, "iliana called. jonathan told me he's in love with me. :grins:" for layla. when i got back, i noticed the powerpuff girls board no longer had my diesel sweeties quote, "nothing satisfies like death;" it now reads, "nothing satisfies like love."
"it's been a while since i've gone and fucked things up just like i always do. it's been a while, but all that shit seems to disappear when i'm with you."