posted on 2002-03-26 @ 11:27 a.m.
ok, so starting at 10 p.m. last night, i was all weepy. i emailed jonathan, and i suppose just for the hell of it i'll put what i wrote in here.
i'm sorry about earlier, for going off about hating everything and then suddenly leaving, wishing i soon get cancer. i just got a panic attack; i still get them even though i regularly take my medicine. no treatment is 100% effective, you know? tomorrow's going to be hell for me, as is wednesday, and i'm just..breaking down. by thursday i should be fine. by next wednesday i know i'll be wonderful (that's after my three tests). i'm just high maintenance emotionally, and i'm so sorry. i'd destroy myself before i ever inflicted harm upon anyone i care about, but i don't think anyone knows that. when i get upset, i lose my judgment and such, and i can't control the way i'm acting (obviously, otherwise i wouldn't have those outbursts). i'm just the type of person who always has to be constantly told i'm okay and that i'm worth loving and that i am loved, and after a while from so many people it will start to sink in. i need it double from my friends because i don't get it from me i guess. when i was talking to my mom, i told her i was starting to believe that there was something in me worth liking, and the amusement and relief in her voice made me feel so wonderful. for once i had taken stress away from someone while talking about myself. but then i had my attack, and you left and never came back, and i just sort of crashed. so i'm in that pit again trying to claw my way out. i just thought i'd try to explain myself because i'm afraid you're mad at me and you hate me now. those attacks peak at ten minutes, so you just have to ride it out. it'll go away. i'm sorry i gave you such a hard time about coming down here; that was just me being frustrated at everything. you don't have to come at all if you don't want to, or if you do and you can't don't worry about it at all. hmm. well, i guess i'll go now. i got undressed and ready to go take a shower, but then all this coursed through my mind; i felt compelled to write it down, regardless of whether or not i actually send it to you. i say i'm going to go take a shower, but i'll still be sitting here in my towel, playing poppit. i don't know what it is about that game...you should go to www.pogo.com and play it, that and word whomp. the words in word whomp, some of them are ridiculous and i swear they're not real words, but it's fun nonetheless.
then i put "prayer to persephone" and "when i too long have looked upon your face" by edna st. vincent millay at the bottom. (i love her so much.) then i wrote a p.s. as another email:
oh yeah, and i would tell you that i do love you, and that scares the shit out of me, but i don't openly talk about that sort of thing, especially voluntarily. so i won't.
he got back online at 5:30 a.m., and we talked for a couple of hours. when he was talking about me creating that character for his story, it made me all teary-eyed because i know how much the stuff he writes really does mean to him. the little window was blinking green, i clicked on it, and when i saw "i love you," the floodgates were let open. oh it was bad. it was like the reaction you see when chicks are proposed to, that immediate inundation of tears. if i had been alone it would have been one of those audible, pitiful sobs. he asked me what i was thinking right after the last thing i put in here, and when i told him i was happy that it's cold because i can enjoy the sunshine, he wrote, "~*gives you a huge hug*~" he really thinks all the stuff i say is so cute. and just a few moments ago he was trying to convince me that i was beautiful. :grins: dumb boy.
wow, emotional roller coasters are [not] fun!